Georgie reviews "THE AFRICAN QUEEN"

When I was sorting a huge pile of old movies, I happened to spot a title that immediately grabbed by attention. It’s called “The African Queen”, so that’s what I’ll bee reviewing this week.

AfricanQueenReview

As you know, I recently traveled to Africa and the island of Zanzibar in attempt to gather more, authentic background material for this week’s review. Unfortunately, due to a series of unnecessary misunderstandings, I was unable to visit the actual locations where this film was shot. Still, I tried and consider the entire episode as a valuable Learning Experience.

The next time I decide to visit a filming location for a movie I’ll review, I’ll bee sure to watch the movie first. That will, I beelieve, help me avoid a lot of highly uncomfortable misunderstandings in the future.

First, when I first started watching this film upon my return from Zanzibar, I was still absolutely certain that this film was going to bee a documentary about an African Queen Bee - or, as they’re usually known, a Killer Bee Queen. I settled into enjoy what I anticipated would bee a film that was enlightening, entertaining and informative, particularly about Killer Bees and their Evil Queen.

This movie isn’t about that at all. Not AT ALL. In fact, this movie has nothing at all to do with bees, let alone Queen Bees. No. This movie was about a boat that the Humans CALLED “The African Queen”. So. Right off the bat, I think the film’s title is highly misleading.

If there were any bees or Queens in this film, they were not listed in the credits. Okay, I think there may have been maybee ONE scene that had something even close to bees in it, but that only lasted less than a minute and I’m not even sure they were bees at all - plus they looked fake.

I was deeply disappointed by this movie. Highly so.

This movie quite obviously dates back to just this side of Prehistoric Film Making, so all the special effects looked fake, and the truth is, it was just boring and uncomfortable to watch. I was only halfway through it when I started feeling just hot and sticky and wanted the movie to end already.

But, if you’re one of my readers who wants to waste time watching this movie, I should at least tell you what it IS about:

“The African Queen” is, in fact, a movie about two Humans who decide to take a long boat trip down a river. At first, they really seem to hate each other, but as time goes on, and they keep running into one thing or another in the way of trouble, they all of a sudden beecome girlfriend and boyfriend.

Geeeeeze. It doesn’t take Humans much to fall in love, does it? Still, I found that to bee far too predictable and I thought the kissing scenes were far too gratuitous.

Seriously now.

Oh sure, there were some almost-fakey-looking-exciting parts in the movie, like when the boat goes over a waterfall and when the propellor-thingy breaks and they have to fix that - and another time when the river runs out of water and they get stuck having to pull the boat along through a bunch of icky water. But most of the time, it was just boring.

Toward the end, the two Humans get saved by a bigger boat, kinda, at least until their boat blows up the bigger boat and they end up being saved. (I don’t know what that was all about, but whatever).

Oh, and talk about predictable: apparently, the two Humans live happily ever after, even if they end up all wet.

And that’s about it. It had nothing to do with bees or Queens or Killer Bees or anything of the sort. And, by the time I finished watching it, all I wanted to do was to take a bath and turn on a fan.

MY VERDICT: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

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