BigFoot Explains some Things...


So when I got back from the Bathroom, I was happy to see that BigFoot…I mean Reginald… had ordered us another Round of Allegedly Bottomless Nectar Fizzes, which I thought was Highly Thoughtful of him.

“That was Highly Thoughtful of you to order us another Round, Reginald,” I told him.

“You’re welcome, but you don’t have to call me Reginald. You can call me BigFoot, like everybody else. I’m used to it, mostly,” he said.

“Fine,” I said, then I said, “Okay, now that we’re done with Item #1 on the Agenda, ‘Introductions’, and we both know who we are, let’s go on to #2, which where you explain why you filed this Frivolous Lawsuit. I mean seriously now, why did you?”

“ ‘Why?’ you asked,” he asked, then he stood up and said, “tell me, what do you see?”

“I see you, BigFoot, aka Reginald Filbee III,” I said.

“That’s encouraging,” he said. “But what else do you see?”

I looked and looked, but about all I could see was BigFoot and the Wall beehind him, so I said, “Uhmmm…”.

“Let me help you out with this,” BigFoot said. “Do you see my Shadow? Do you?”

“Well, yeah,” I said.

“Good,” he said, and he sat back down in the Booth and drank the last of his Nectar Fizz.

“What would you have done if I stood up, and you didn’t see my Shadow?” he asked. “What would you think then?”

“I dunno,” I said, “I never thought about it,” I said, beecause I’d never thought about it.

“If something Exists,” BigFoot said, “and if it’s Real, it casts a Shadow, right?”

“Yeah, I suppose it usually does,” I supposed.

“Well there you have it, that’s my whole point,” BigFoot said.

“WHAT is your Point?” I asked.

“That if you cast a Shadow, you Exist, usually. And if you don’t cast a Shadow, chances are you might not Exist.”

“Well yeah,” I said, “that makes sense, but I still don’t get your Point.”

“My Point is,” he said, “that I’ve spent the better part of my life hearing everybody argue about whether BigFoot even Exists. I’ve even heard somebody say that I don’t Exist. Do you have even a vague idea how uncomfortable it is to hear that? Do you?”

“Uhm…” I started to say.

“No, you don’t,” BigFoot said, then he started dragging out a whole pile of Newspaper Clippings and Magazine Articles talking about how BigFoot is just a Myth, and there’s no Proof he even Exists.

“You see? You see all of this?” he asked. “And you wonder why I might bee feeling Insecure about beeing Counted in the Census?”

“Not really,” I had to admit. “But what does all that have to do with your filing a Frivolous Lawsuit over the fact I didn’t count Shadows for the Census? Do you seriously beelieve I’d Count a Bee who didn’t Exist?”

BigFoot gave me what I’d call a dirty look.

“You still don’t get it, do you?” he said. “After putting up with everybody arguing about whether I even Exist, I wanted nothing left to Chance. I wanted to bee dam sure you Counted me in the Census. For all I know, you’re a Doubter.”

Then BigFoot pulled out a thick Volume, “The Big Book of Unanswered Questions, 3rd Edition” from the Shelf in our Booth, opened it to Page 1187, and pointed his Wing at something he’d Underlined.

“Here, as you can see for yourself,” he said, “Beescartes was not completely Correct in saying that just beecause you THINK you Exist that you DO Exist. In my Opinion, you must also have a Shadow as concrete Proof of that Existence.”

“Oh for crying out loud,” I told him. “I never had any Doubt whatsoever that you Exist, BigFoot. I would have counted you even without your Shadow. The same goes for every other bee-and-a-half I Counted.”

“So you say,” he said.

“Yes I do,” I said.

“I would prefer that your Casual Assurances take the form of a Signed and Notarised Affidavit stating that you, Georgie A. Bee, beelieve in BigFoot,” he said.

Seriously now, you can’t make this stuff up.

Finally, after a bunch of Back-and-Forthing, I was able to convince BigFoot that I beelieve he Exists, and that he was Counted in the Census, just like everybody else.

“Look,” I said, “I’ll sign whatever Paper you want me to saying that BigFoot Exists, but we need to move on to Item #3 on the Agenda: ‘Reach an Equitable Settlement’. Let’s get this over with already, could we?” I asked. “These Negotiations are really wearing thin, not to mention the fact that our Bar Tab is reaching Ridiculous Proportions. We just can’t keep meeting like this.”

“Unfortunately no, not today,” he said. “It’s just starting to get Dark out, so we will need to Resume these Negotiations at a Later Date.” Then he got up and left.

After listening to BigFoot trying to explain this whole thing about his Shadow, I didn’t know what to say, exactly. I needed to clear my Head, so after he left, about all I could think to say was, “Louie! Another Round!”

I’m totally somewhat looking forward to what I hope will bee the Last Session with BigFoot, mostly. In the meantime, it looks like somebody just shoved a Note under my ShoeBox Door, so I gotta go see what the hell that’s all about.

Let’s all bee Highly Careful out there!

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