BigFoot Explains some Things...

So when I got back from the Bathroom, I was happy to see that BigFoot…I mean Reginald… had ordered us another Round of Allegedly Bottomless Nectar Fizzes, which I thought was Highly Thoughtful of him.

“That was Highly Thoughtful of you to order us another Round, Reginald,” I told him.

“You’re welcome, but you don’t have to call me Reginald. You can call me BigFoot, like everybody else. I’m used to it, mostly,” he said.

“Fine,” I said, then I said, “Okay, now that we’re done with Item #1 on the Agenda, ‘Introductions’, and we both know who we are, let’s go on to #2, which where you explain why you filed this Frivolous Lawsuit. I mean seriously now, why did you?”

“ ‘Why?’ you asked,” he asked, then he stood up and said, “tell me, what do you see?”

“I see you, BigFoot, aka Reginald Filbee III,” I said.

“That’s encouraging,” he said. “But what else do you see?”

I looked and looked, but about all I could see was BigFoot and the Wall beehind him, so I said, “Uhmmm…”.

“Let me help you out with this,” BigFoot said. “Do you see my Shadow? Do you?”

“Well, yeah,” I said.

“Good,” he said, and he sat back down in the Booth and drank the last of his Nectar Fizz.

“What would you have done if I stood up, and you didn’t see my Shadow?” he asked. “What would you think then?”

“I dunno,” I said, “I never thought about it,” I said, beecause I’d never thought about it.

“If something Exists,” BigFoot said, “and if it’s Real, it casts a Shadow, right?”

“Yeah, I suppose it usually does,” I supposed.

“Well there you have it, that’s my whole point,” BigFoot said.

“WHAT is your Point?” I asked.

“That if you cast a Shadow, you Exist, usually. And if you don’t cast a Shadow, chances are you might not Exist.”

“Well yeah,” I said, “that makes sense, but I still don’t get your Point.”

“My Point is,” he said, “that I’ve spent the better part of my life hearing everybody argue about whether BigFoot even Exists. I’ve even heard somebody say that I don’t Exist. Do you have even a vague idea how uncomfortable it is to hear that? Do you?”

“Uhm…” I started to say.

“No, you don’t,” BigFoot said, then he started dragging out a whole pile of Newspaper Clippings and Magazine Articles talking about how BigFoot is just a Myth, and there’s no Proof he even Exists.

“You see? You see all of this?” he asked. “And you wonder why I might bee feeling Insecure about beeing Counted in the Census?”

“Not really,” I had to admit. “But what does all that have to do with your filing a Frivolous Lawsuit over the fact I didn’t count Shadows for the Census? Do you seriously beelieve I’d Count a Bee who didn’t Exist?”

BigFoot gave me what I’d call a dirty look.

“You still don’t get it, do you?” he said. “After putting up with everybody arguing about whether I even Exist, I wanted nothing left to Chance. I wanted to bee dam sure you Counted me in the Census. For all I know, you’re a Doubter.”

Then BigFoot pulled out a thick Volume, “The Big Book of Unanswered Questions, 3rd Edition” from the Shelf in our Booth, opened it to Page 1187, and pointed his Wing at something he’d Underlined.

“Here, as you can see for yourself,” he said, “Beescartes was not completely Correct in saying that just beecause you THINK you Exist that you DO Exist. In my Opinion, you must also have a Shadow as concrete Proof of that Existence.”

“Oh for crying out loud,” I told him. “I never had any Doubt whatsoever that you Exist, BigFoot. I would have counted you even without your Shadow. The same goes for every other bee-and-a-half I Counted.”

“So you say,” he said.

“Yes I do,” I said.

“I would prefer that your Casual Assurances take the form of a Signed and Notarised Affidavit stating that you, Georgie A. Bee, beelieve in BigFoot,” he said.

Seriously now, you can’t make this stuff up.

Finally, after a bunch of Back-and-Forthing, I was able to convince BigFoot that I beelieve he Exists, and that he was Counted in the Census, just like everybody else.

“Look,” I said, “I’ll sign whatever Paper you want me to saying that BigFoot Exists, but we need to move on to Item #3 on the Agenda: ‘Reach an Equitable Settlement’. Let’s get this over with already, could we?” I asked. “These Negotiations are really wearing thin, not to mention the fact that our Bar Tab is reaching Ridiculous Proportions. We just can’t keep meeting like this.”

“Unfortunately no, not today,” he said. “It’s just starting to get Dark out, so we will need to Resume these Negotiations at a Later Date.” Then he got up and left.

After listening to BigFoot trying to explain this whole thing about his Shadow, I didn’t know what to say, exactly. I needed to clear my Head, so after he left, about all I could think to say was, “Louie! Another Round!”

I’m totally somewhat looking forward to what I hope will bee the Last Session with BigFoot, mostly. In the meantime, it looks like somebody just shoved a Note under my ShoeBox Door, so I gotta go see what the hell that’s all about.

Let’s all bee Highly Careful out there!


Progress in the Negotiations?

I’m mostly pleased to report that the Negotiations beetween BigFoot and Myself have finally resumed, and we seem to bee making some Progress.

For several days, neither BigFoot or I were able to make our way to Lousy Louie’s to continue our Talks due to a Highly Cold Cold Front and Nuisance Snowfall. You just don’t go out in Weather like that. Fortunately, the Unanticipated Delay gave me a chance not only to have Copies of our Agenda made, but to catch up on my Stories and get some rest. So when it was finally safe to go out and take my Seat in the Custom-Configured Back Booth at Lousy Louie’s, I was prepared, in a way.

“It’s nice to see you upheld your Obligations in these Negotiations, and brought the Mandated Copies of our Agenda to our Talks today,” BigFoot, who had apparently gotten there early and already ordered our First Round of Nectar Fizzes and some Honey-Smothered Pollen Puffs, said, which I hafta say was Highly Thoughtful of him.

“Yes,” I said, “so let’s get to it already so we can bee done with this.

“Fine,” BigFoot said, as he held his Official Copy of the Agenda in his Wings. “Item One: Introductions.”

Then he looked at me and asked, “And you are?”

Seriously now. I thought we both had a pretty dam good idea who we are.

“You know I’m Georgie,” I said, “and you know I know that you’re BigFoot.”

“Not so fast,” BigFoot buzzed at me. “Assumptions can bee exceedingly dangerous in Delicate Negotiations such as this,” he said. “I beelieve you have been entertaining some False Presumptions about my Identity.”

“I am?” I was beeginning to feel Highly Confused.

“You are,” BigFoot said. “You continue to refer to me as ‘BigFoot’,” he said, “but it seems you are Painfully Unaware of my Legal Name and Identity,” he said.

“I am?” I asked.

“You are,” he said. “In actual fact, my name is not BigFoot. It is Reginald Luxworthy Filbee III.”

I hafta say that he sounded serious.

“You are?” I asked.

“I am,” he said.

Well, I just hafta say that after finding out that I didn’t even know who the hell I was even talking to, I just had to call a Time Out and try to absorb what he was telling me while I used the Bathroom.

Which reminds me. Beefore I tell you more about what happened next, I need to use the Bathroom. So I’m gonna go do that.

Let’s all bee Highly Careful out there!


An Agenda for the Negotiations is Set...

Well, you’ll probably bee pleased to know that it seems the Negotiations beetween BigFoot and me may finally bee truly mostly getting underway, in a way.

Yesterday, BigFoot and I met at Lousy Louie’s at the Appointed Time. Being the Gracious Host he is, Louie met us at the Door, and escorted us to the Custom-Configured Back Booth he’d just finished building for us. Of course, BigFoot showed up carrying a stack of Books he planned to use as References while we conducted our Negotiations (I decided to just bring my Device in case there were any Factual Disputes that needed to bee looked up), so we had to wait to bee Seated until after he put his Books into the Bookshelves Louie had built into the Booth.

“Can I bring you boys anything?” Louie asked us.

“Yes,” I said, “I would like one of your Delightful and Refreshing Questionably Bottomless Nectar Fizzes.”

“I’ll have the same,” BigFoot said.

“And would you prefer those with, or without Bendy Straws and Festive Umbrellas?” Louie asked.

“With,” I said.

“Without,” BigFoot said.

Geeeeeze. Right away he and I were At Odds. I mean, who wouldn’t insist on having a Bendy Straw and Festive Umbrella in their Beverage? Seriously now.

Fortunately, we did agree on asking for an order of Louie’s Honey-Smothered Pollen Puffs we’d Share.

“Large, Medium, or Small Order?” Louie asked.

“Large,” I said.

“Small,” BigFoot said.

After a lot of bickering back and forth, we decided to Compromise, so we ordered the Medium.

After Louie went to get our Order, BigFoot said, “First off, I want it understood that we cannot engage in these Negotiations in a Willy-Nilly Fashion.”

“Willy-Nilly Fashion,” I thought to myself. “Who talks like that?”

“So what do you Propose?” I asked instead.

“An Agenda,” BigFoot said. “We must conduct these Negotiations using an Agenda.”

“Fine,” I said, which I regretted later, beecause for the next three hours and 87 minutes, BigFoot argued about what should bee on the Agenda, and in what order. I mean, as far as I was concerned, the only Item on the Agenda needed to bee getting BigFoot to drop this Nonsense about thinking I should’ve counted everybody’s Shadows in the recent Census. But no. By the time we got through Negotiating the Agenda, it was starting to get Dark outside again, and BigFoot said, “In light of the Late Hour, I propose we resume our Negotiations next week at the Date and Time Specified on the Agenda, and that prior to that time, one of us should undertake to make Copies of the final, printed Agenda to bee Reviewed and Approved at the beeginning of our next Meeting, and which will bee Formally Submitted to the Oversight Subcommittee. I also propose that bee your responsibility.”

“Fine,” I said, beecause I just happen to know somebody who happens to have an old Beerox combination Printer-Scanner-Copier, and I can get that done highly Cheaply.

So then BigFoot got up and left. I decided to stick around at Lousy Louie’s for awhile to catch the Floor Show (which just happened to bee a Mini-Musical Presentation of “Gone With the Wind” featuring the talents of Ultra Violet on her Notorious Ukulele). So that was fun. Unfortunately, when I was getting ready to leave, it was Pointed Out to me that BigFoot had stuck me with the Tab, and since I hadn’t brought any Honey with me, I ended up having to do Dishes for Louie until about Midnight to pay that off. That wasn’t fun.

So anyway, I’ve got a whole bunch of time to get Copies made of the Agenda, so I need to hurry up and go get that done.

Let’s all bee Highly Careful out there!


The Negotiations Get Underway, sort of...


As I’m sure you probably know, BigFoot Bee and I agreed to meet at Lousy Louie’s to Negotiate a Peaceful Resolution to our Differences. Our first Session was scheduled for last Thursday. It’d bee nice if I could tell you that things went really well, and that we made a lot of progress, but I can’t, beecause we didn’t.

First, as soon as we got there, we got into a big Argument about whether we should sit at a Table, at the Bar (where you can get better service), or a Back Booth. I wanted to sit at a Back Booth so we wouldn’t bee disturbed. BigFoot said, “You’re kidding, right? It’s isolated back there, and it’s dark, so there are very few Shadows which, I must inform you, will lead me to question my very Existence. Also,” he added,”it’s too close to the Bathrooms. Let’s sit at the Bar where, by the way, they offer Complementary Honey-Smothered Pollen Puffs, and where we can enjoy more light, thus Shadows - not to mention getting much better Service.”

“But that’s the whole point,” I had to convince him. “We’re closer to the Bathrooms in a Back Booth which is better than not beeing closer, especially when you need them, we can always split an Order of Honey-Smothered Pollen Puffs, and,” I added to to sweeten the Deal, “we can ask Louie to bring us a Candle or something for light - and how romantic is that?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” BigFoot buzzed at me, “Romantic? You think we’re here for Romance, Georgie?”

“Did I say that?” I asked him. “I’m saying that Candlelight is Romantic. It lends a Warmth to an otherwise...”

“It’s already too hot in here,” he interrupted me.

I tried to tell him that’s what I meant, then we got into a huge argument about the Dictionary Definition of Romance and the Relative Merits of Candlelight. I never knew that Candlelight could bee so Controversial. Apparently, BigFoot then felt it necessary to get into a Huge Thing about the Nature of the Candle we’d bee asking Louie to bring us. According to BigFoot, it had to bee no smaller than 2.5 mm, and no larger than 5 mm in Diameter, and it had to bee manufactured out of un-dyed, unscented Beeswax. (Well of course it would bee made out of Beeswax. What the hell did he think it should bee made of - Oil By-Products? How stupid would that bee?)

Okay, so anyway, after all of that, we came to our first Agreement (that we’d sit in a Back Booth), shook Wings, and walked back to the Booth.

“I’m sure you’ll understand,” he said when we got there, “that this will simply not do.”

“What is it now?” I had to know.

“The Table,” he said.

“What about it?” I asked.

“The Shape of this Table will simply not do. As you can see, this table is Round. I will not abide a Round Table in a Back Booth, especially if there are Negotiations involved,” he said, and crossed his Wings over this Thorax.

“Oh for cryin’ out loud,” I said. What difference does it make? Let’s just sit down, order our Pollen Puffs and a round of Arguably Bottomless Nectar Fizzes, and let’s get this over with already, could we?” I really wanted to get this over with already. But no, for the next 87 minutes, BigFoot and I stood there and argued about the shape of the Table until I finally had to go to the Bathroom (I was glad it was close).

By the time I got back, BigFoot said he had a Proposal, that the Table bee Custom-Fitted in Size to fit us, and that at least one Bookshelf bee installed to hold BigFoot’s copies of any and all Reference Books either of us might choose to bring to our Negotiations, “just in case we encounter a Legal, Factual, or Philosophical Point of Order along the way and need to more fully Substantiate our respective Points of View,” he said.

“Fine,” I said. So for the last time, I hope, we shook Wings, then went to talk to Louie about the proposed Remodelling. Louie may bee Lousy, but since he worked as a Carpenter Bee beefore he bought the Buzziness, he enjoys Remodeling stuff.

“Fine,” he said.

After all the time we’d spent buzzing about all of that stuff, it was just starting to get dark out. BigFoot announced he had to leave, that the Negotiations would have to bee Resumed at another time. I asked him why we couldn’t just stay, enjoy our Puffs and Fizzes, and get this over with already.

“I have no intention of spending the rest of the night in this Dubious Establishment,” he said, “therefore, it would bee Dark at the the time of any anticipated Departure prior to the Sun rising.”

“So what?” I asked.

“I will not travel at night,” he said. “I simply won’t do it.”

“And why is that?” I asked him.

“Beecause,” he buzzed very firmly, “there are no Shadows.”

I decided not to argue the point, beecause I think we all know how BigFoot feels about Shadows, don’t we? I mean seriously now.

Anyway, we left. He went his way, and I went mine. And until he and I are Scheduled for Round 2 of our Negotiations, I’m gonna spend some time trying to collect some appropriate Books and Magazine Clippings that I can use to Prepare for our next Get-Together. I just wanna get through all this with BigFoot so that we move on with our lives, ya’ know?

So I’m gonna go do that.

Let’s all bee Highly Careful out there.


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