A Frivolous Lawsuit...


Well I hafta say that this is just outrageous, especially for a Monday.

Earlier this morning, I was sitting there at Lousy Louie’s enjoying some Delicious and Marginally Refreshing Rum-Spiced Nectar Nog with my Morning Pollen Crackles for Breakfast when I was rudely interrupted by the Wait Staff, who told me that they had to tell me that my Editor was looking for me, and that he wanted to see me.

“When?” I asked one of them.
“Now,” one of them said.
“‘Immediately If Not Sooner’, is what he said,” two others of them said at the same time. (Louie has a Huge Staff, but it pays off with great Service, which is why Louie’s is so dam popular.)

Anyway, I had just enough time beefore Immediately came to finish my Highly Enjoyable Breakfast, then I buzzed over to my Editor’s Office.

“Yes?” I said when I walked in.
“Bee, it seems you’ve put all of us in a very Sketchy Predicament with your Census numbers,” he said.
“The Census? I did that, remember? You have all that,” I said.
“Of course I do, what I’m trying to say to you is...”.
I just had to stop him there.
“No,” I said. “There’s no problem. I did the Census, you have the Final Total sitting right there on your Desk, so I don’t have a Problem here. I did my Job. I’m done with it.”
Then I added, “Do you have a Problem? If so, it’s your Problem, not mine, and I’m just gonna go now.”

I probably shouldn’t have said that, beecause my Editor started getting all red in the Face, his Compound Eyes started watering, and beefore I knew it, he was slamming his Wing on his Desk.

“We’re beeing Sued, Bee! And what the hell is it with your Attitude here? Have you been drinking or something?”

“If you say so,” I said. Then I said, “So you’re saying this is my Problem, that you’re getting Sued? And Sued for what?”

“We, the Party of the Second Part, are beeing Sued by the Party of the First Part who is claiming that the Totals you provided in this Census are Fraudulent.”

“There was a Party?” I asked.

“You’re not listening, Bee,” my Editor just seemed way On Edge. He’s probably been working too hard again. That just isn’t Healthy, and can make anybody Cranky.

“Of course I am,” I told him. “You said something about a Party, which evidently I wasn’t invited to, and something else about some thing.”

“FRAUD, Bee,” my Editor got even louder. “You are beeing asked to prove your Census Count wasn’t Fraudulent.”

“Why would it bee Fraudulent?” I asked him. “I did the Counting, I should know, and I’m telling you it wasn’t Fraudulent. Check the Tapes for yourself.”

Well, to make a very long and unusually unpleasant story significantly shorter, it turns out that BigFoot (the Party of the First Part) filed a Lawsuit in the Royal Court challenging the Final Total reported in the Census by me (Part of the Party of the Second Part). It turns out BigFoot wasn’t kidding when he said he beelieved I should have been Counting everybody’s Shadows, so he named my Editor and Me in a Frivolous Law Suit.

I mean seriously, who does that? I know BigFoot is bored, but seriously now.

And maybee even more Aggravating than that, the more my Editor buzzed on, it beecame increasingly clear that the Party of the First Part isn’t even a Party, that there wouldn’t bee any Balloons or Pollen Puffs or Sparklingly Refreshing Beverages at all, so I guess it’s no wonder I wasn’t invited. It’s beeyond Disappointing. If you ask me, I think leading somebody to think there’s gonna bee a Party when there isn’t one is nothing but a Cruel Misrepresentation. And is that even legal?

Anyway, I understand there is a Panel of Bees from the Department of Dubious Accounting Investigations that has been directed by the Royal Court to review my Tapes from the Census, and make a Determination about the Integrity of the Final Count. They’ve already asked me to submit an Affidavit explaining how it is I came up with a Final Total that included exactly one-half of one Bee. That’s easy...somewhere along the line, there was a Bee who had been the Victim of one of those Murder Hornets. I figured it would mostly bee the right thing to do to at least Count what was left of him, so I did. He’s the 0.5 Bee. Also, and if you ask me, I think he was one of those guys who told me to Get Lost way back when I was selling those Murder Hornet Swatters, as I’m sure we all remember.

He should’ve bought one.

Anyway, they want me to put all that in writing, so I’m gonna go do that.

Let’s all bee Highly Careful out there!