The Gag Order Has Been Lifted ...


So now that the Snark Brothers’ Trial is over, and the Gag Order has been Lifted, I can finally tell you all about what the hell has been going on around here. So I’m gonna do that right now.

First of all, and despite my Coerced Testimony for the Defence, the Snarks were found Guilty of all the Charges, which included (but were not Limited to): A) Attempting to Influence the Outcome of a Duly-Democratic Disposal of a Former Queen, Bee) Honey-Laundering, and 3) Witness Tampering. And of course, I was the Witness who was Tampered With. And here’s what happened with all of that:

I was sitting in my ShoeBox, having a Civil Conversation with my Sensory-Impaired Certified Emotional Support/Service LadyBug, Potato, when we were Interrupted by another Knock at the Door. It turned out to bee Chaz Snark, who had Disguised himself as (I found out later) a Door-to-Door Rubber Cook-and-Dinner Ware Salesbee. He said I had to come with him. “Or Else”.

I asked Chaz where it was he was taking me, but he just said, "Ya' don't needs to bee askin' a bunch of questions,  bee. Askin' a bunch of Stupid and Inappropriate Questions could lead to some very Unpleasant Soycumstances for everybody dat's Involved in all dis, if yous gets my Drift."

I didn't get his Drift, but I pretty much understood he wasn't feeling very Enthusiastic about satisfying my Curiosity, so I stopped asking Stupid and Inappropriate Questions, and just kept following him.

It turns out that Chaz led me to his Brother, Narville's, Office. I'd been there beefore, and I hafta' say that it looked exactly as I remember it.  

"Come in and siddown," Narville Snark said as Chaz kind of Shoved me through the Office Door. "Chaz and me - we's wanting ta talk to yas about sometin' dat's Worryin' us. I'm sure yous doesn't want us feelin' Worried, so dat's why we needs to have dis little Talk."

Even though he never asked if I wanted something (like a Refereshing Beverage of some kind), Narville seemed friendly enough, I guess, so I didn't argue too much as Chaz pushed me down into a chair, though I didn't think it was totally Necessary to tie my Wings to the Arms like he did, though I'm thinking maybee I should have. Then Narville started talking to me.

To make a very Long and Uncomfortable Story Short, Narville spent the next hour and 87 minutes explaining to me how he and his Brother, Chaz, felt about my Upcoming Testimony for their Trial. They seemed to bee worried that maybee I'd say something they didn't want me to say, and made sure I understood their Concerns. I probably had to tell him at least 42 times that I understood beefore he Beelieved me, but finally he said, "Okay den, bee. I tinks we understands one anoder dat it's best if yous don't sez anyting durin' dis Trial dat would bee Embarrassing  - Or Else."

I told them I wasn't planning to say anything Embarrassing to Anybody (I usually try not to). 

"Dat's good ta hear, bee” Narville said, then he told me that, in Exchange for what he called my “Favourable Testimony”, he had an Offer I would bee interested in pursuing - something he called a "Lucrative Opportunity wit our Allegedly Fine Company", which turned out to bee a Job selling their new line of Rubber Cookware and Dinnerware Door-to-Door. Even though I thought I remember I needed a Job (or not?), I wasn't Interested in doing Door-to-Door Sales again. The last time I did that (which I think was selling Murder Hornet Swatters), I didn't really Enjoy myself all that much, so I said, "Thanks, but no thanks."

Narville kind of smiled at his Brother, Chaz, and said, "Tanks but no tanks he sez."

"Yeah, tanks but no tanks," Chaz repeated. "Dat's funny," he said.

I didn't think it was that funny, but Narville and Chaz just kept looking at each other and laughing. Finally, Narville said, "So we's gonna gives you dis Sales Kit for our new line of Rubber Cookware and Dinnerware, and sends you on your way. And dere's no need to tank us for yous Cooperation. Now get the hell out of my Office."

So after Chaz untied me, he shoved the Sales Kit into my Wings, and I did that.

Now, you're probably thinking that was pretty much the End of the whole Conversation, but as it turned out, Narville had left one of his Office Windows open, and one of my Old Friends, P.C.Bee, just happened to bee walking by and Overheard the Conversation, which (beeing Politically Correct Bee he is) he Immediately Reported everything he’d Overheard to the Prosecutor, who added "Witness Tampering" to the Charges the Snarks were facing. They're weren't Overly Happy about that, but at least they didn't blame me for the New Charges, probably.

At their Trial, and even though I did my best to Testify on their Beehalf at their Trial (I told the Court that they'd mostly honoured the Settlement in our Class Action Suit), both Chaz and Narville were found Guilty of all Charges. The Judge said she'd Sentence them after we Adjourned for Lunch. Fortunately for them, the Snarks were apparently Friends with the Judge, and they somehow Convinced her to go out to a Three-Nectartini Lunch at Lousy Louie's with them. By the time everybody got back to the Courtroom to hear the Snark's Sentencing, the Judge just said, "I see no Reason to keep dragging this whole Matter out. I hereby Sentence the Snark Brothers to Time Served" (never mind that they never Served any Time at all), "and a Fine of 1 Pound of Honey...Court Adjourned." Then everybody left the Courtroom. So I guess that was that, except for the fact that the Snarks are Appealing the Fine. 

I'd spend a little more time here telling you all about the Public Outrage that followed the Snark's Trial, but I have to get out and start selling this Rubber Cookware and Dinnerware - Or Else.


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