Observation #25: Colonoscopies



I hafta make this short because, in just a few minutes, I’m gonna have a Colonoscopy. (And just to anticipate what I’m completely sure you’ll bee asking, probably: YES, bees have Colons.) Two days ago, I made the mistake of paying a visit to my Doctor, Ph.Bee, (I accidentally slept on my left Wing night and folded it in half which hurt, a lot). After he was done mostly fixing that, he unexpectedly told me that it was time for me to have a Colonoscopy.

I have to make the Astute Observation that, maybee if I had just stayed home, I wouldn’t hafta bee dealing with any of this, and I’d bee out doing a whole bunch of other, more comfortable things instead of this. But no. Beesides, he told me that if I refused to take his Advice, he “couldn’t take responsibility for the Grim Outcome”.

I really don’t want a Grim Outcome, so fine, I’ll cooperate.

“Bee at the Clinic by NOON on Wednesday, and Bee on time - Or Else,” he said.

“Fine,” I said.

Then Nurse Beeatric came in and gave me a very large Packet of Instructions that was labeled “Welcome to your Adventure in Colonoscopy” which included a bunch of Patient Pre-Colonoscopical Release Forms to bee signed the day of the Procedure, a Medical Health Questionnaire, a Power of Attorney (whatever that is), a “Do Not Resuscitate” Permission Slip, a Coupon for a 10% off a Post-Colonoscopy Wing Waxing at the Wing Waxing Salon, a General Information Sheet, and some very unappealing and complicated Pre-Procedure Procedure Instructions, which instructed me to:

1) Stop eating two days , which I did, mostly, and

B) Precisely 7 hours and 28 minutes beefore the Procedure, drink 128 Fluid Quarts of this awful, nasty-tasting Special Medicinally-Modified Gastro-Intestinal Cleansing Nectar (which was provided). So at mostly exactly at 4:32 this morning, I did that.


I’m not gonna tell you what that stuff does to you. You don’t wanna know. I’m just gonna say that I never want to drink that stuff again. Ever. It does things to you, terrible things I’m just not gonna discuss. At all.

Anyway, I did that, then I showed up right on time. So far, I’ve been waiting over three hours and 73 minutes already (they seem to bee running ahead of the normal schedule), bit I’m still sitting here, doing my best to bee a mostly patient Patient, patiently waiting in the Pre-Procedural Waiting Chamber deep inside the Hive Clinic, and trying not to think about what’s about to happen. (My Stinger Area is already highly sore - and again, I don’t wanna talk about that.)

At the moment, about nine other bees (who also hafta have Colonoscopies) and I are all just waiting, trying not to look at each other like everybody always does when they’re patients patiently waiting in a Waiting Chamber. We’re all hoping that Nurse Beeatrice will finally appear from beehind that large, scary-looking door where all that screaming was coming from, and call our Number, which I hope she does amazingly soon.

The last time any of us saw her, which was about an hour ago, she came out carrying a large platter of Cookies and asked, “Would anyone here like to enjoy a warm, delicious, freshly-baked Complementary HoneyChew Krisp Cookie while you’re waiting?” They smelled so good. Of course, everybody raised their wings beecause everybody’s highly hungry. Nurse Beeatrice just kind of laughed and said, “Well that’s just too bad, beecause if you had read your Informational Packet, you’d know you cannot eat until after your Procedure. Shame on you for asking. In the meantime, your number will bee called shortly, probably.” Then she took all the Cookies and disappeared beehind that large, scary-looking door again.

That’s so mean, isn’t it?

I dunno if anybody else has had to have a Colonoscopy, but I can’t help but notice that it’s not even slightly pleasant, and playing little jokes like that doesn’t make it any better, now does it? Seriously now.

Oh lucky me! Can this bee? Nurse Beeatrice just called my Number and told me (in a not-all-that-nice way) to “get off the Device and Hurry Up”, or I’d lose my turn to bee Oscopied. So I gotta go. I’d let you know how everything comes out with all this, but I already said, I don’t wanna get into that.

Let’s all bee Highly Careful out there.

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