Observation #36: Customer Surveys

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Is it just me? Or does it seem that every time you turn around these days, somebody’s asking you to do a Survey, or an Opinion Poll, or they’re asking for your Valuable Customer Feedback?

As I’m mostly sure you’ll remember, I went out the other day to try to get my Nectarizer fixed. It’s still broken, so I asked my Illegitimate Nephew, Kevin, if he’d take a look at it.

Kevin’s highly talented when it comes to figuring out machines and stuff, you know, but when I went over to his BootBox, he just said,
“Uncle Georgie, you’re the best Uncle in the world, and I love you, but this Nectarizer has had it. It is beeyond repair.”
“But,” I needed to mention, “I just got that thing. It’s new. I only used it once, then it broke.”
“I am not in the least surprised,” Kevin said, “I have heard that these particular Nectarizers aren’t very well-made. Built-in Obsolescence, you know. It is rumoured that the Snark Brothers have been cutting corners in their newest models, and unfortunately for those in need of a good, efficient Nectarizer, they have discontinued their older, significantly more reliable models. And, of course, it is impossible to get parts for any of the old ones that are left, so. I don’t know what to tell you. Good luck, I guess.”

After what I’ve already been through with this thing, I decided to just forget about it. I’ll hafta try to live without a Nectarizer.

When I got back to my ShoeBox, there was an Urgent Buzz•O•Gram™ stuck to my Door. It was from the Director of Customer Service at the Snark Brothers Repair Palace. He wanted me to visit their Web Site and fill out a Customer Satisfaction Survey, and let them know how pleased I was with my Recent Visit. So I did that. I made sure that I gave them a highly low rating, since they ended up never helping me. At all.

Just as I as clicked on “SUBMIT”, another Message Window suddenly popped up that said, “How did we do?” and which asked if I would take another, Short Survey about what I thought of the Survey I just took. I wasn’t gonna do that one, but beecause they said they valued my Opinion, I knew it was so incredibly important, I did that one, too.

Finally, when I got done with that, I decided to find out if maybee somebody out there has a Used, Older Model Nectarizer in Excellent Condition, so I logged on to BeeFind and did a Seek. Of course, nothing came up but bunch of messages from other bees who were also looking for the same thing. It was highly discouraging.

Beefore I could log off and get back to watching my Stories, an Instant Robot-to-Bee Message popped up, asking me if I found what I was looking for on BeeFind, and if I’d bee interested in taking a short survey about BeeFind’s Seeking Services.
“Did you find what you were looking for?” it asked.
“No,” I answered.
“Do you plan to use BeeFind’s Seeking Services again, and would you recommend it to a friend?”
“Probably,” I said.

I hafta ask: what the hell are all these Surveys about all of a sudden these days? It used to bee that we could just bee a Customer and that would bee that. Not now. Not anymore. Now we hafta spend a bunch of time answering Prying Questions.

It’s like the last time I went out and got some HoneyGlazed Pollen Poppers™. I was just standing there when a bee with a Clipboard came up to me and said, “I see that you’ve recently purchased some HoneyGlazed Pollen Poppers™.”
“Obviously,” I said, beecause I was standing there, holding bag of those things.

Then he asked if I would mind taking part in a Customer Focus Group, and that if I did, they’d give me a dozen of Great Grandma Gee Gee’s Royal HoneyChew Krisp Cookies™ for free. Well, who wouldn’t say yes to that? Those are so Ummy-Yummy good™. So for the next 87 minutes, about six, other bees and I were a part of a Focus Group. They wanted to know what we thought the role Snack Foods might play in the upcoming Campaign Season. We all agreed that Snack Foods absolutely play a Significant Role in any Fair Election. They seemed satisfied with our Opinion, so they gave us our free Cookies and that was that.

By the way, and speaking of Fair Elections, I don’t remember if I told you that the Hive is electing a new Queen. Again. Queen Jemima (I think that’s her name, there have been so many), is retiring early from her Royal Duties to do Political Commentary for the Bee Network’s coverage of the Vote. Of course the problem is that Her Majestically Enthusiastic Highness is leaving an Unfortunate Vacancy that nobody really knows what to do about. As a result they’re circulating a Public Input Opinion and Feedback Survey to see what everybody thinks we should do about finding an Acting Queen until the Vote is taken. So far, about 20 Candidates have announced their Candidacies, so as you probably guessed, there are a lot of Potential Queen Popularity Polls beeing conducted these days. In fact, I just got one from Rudy Bee, who has decided to run again. (He’s very persistent.)

Seriously now. All these surveys are beeginning to wear thin, aren’t they?

Sorry to interrupt this, but I hear Kevin knocking at my Door. It sounds as if he’s saying he needs to ask me a few, brief questions about our recent visit regarding my Nectarizer, so I gotta go do that.

Let’s all bee highly careful out there!

GeorgieBee Signature


Observation #35: Waiting

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Listen to this: the other day, I discovered that I had to make an appointment to get my Nectarizer repaired, again, so I grabbed it (it’s really heavy), and I carried it over to the Snark Brothers Repair Palace (their motto is, “Snark Brothers Repair Palace - Or Else”). When I got there, I sat down in the Waiting Room. The bee sitting across from me looked highly aggravated, so I asked him how long he’d been waiting.

“A long, long time, a very, way very, long time,” he said, then he asked “You don’t by any chance have any food or nectar or water or even maybee some delicious Great Grandma Gee Gee’s HoneyChew Krisp Cookies™, do you? They’re so delicious, aren’t they?”

“Yes, they are, and oh so nutritious,” I said, but I had to tell him that I didn’t have any Snacks. He got this kind of desperate look on his face, then he said, “Look, bee a pal. If I happen to kind of slip away into temporary unconsciousness, please do me a favour and wake me up when they call my Number, will you?”

“Number?” I asked.

“Yeah, you have to get a Number. Didn’t you get one? You should get one. You need a Number or you can’t get Service.”

Then he gave me a kind of a weak smile, and apparently fell asleep without ever telling me what his Number even was. Of course, my Problem was that I didn’t have a number, and needed to find one.

For the first hour I was here, I tried to find out where to get a Number. I looked everywhere. There wasn’t even a Sign that said, “Get Your Number Here”. Finally, I found a Secretary that was three floors down from the Waiting Room, so I asked where I could get a Number. He looked at me funny and asked, “They didn’t give you a Number when you arrived?”

“No,” I told him.

Then he told me I had to go to Cell 503, find the Number Issuance Desk, and ask them to give me a Number.

So I did that.

When I finally found Cell 503, there was a huge line. Everybody was waiting to get a Number. After standing there for about two hours, I finally got my Number: 340987. After that, I went back to the Waiting Room to Wait.

After I got back to the Waiting Room, that Hungry Bee was gone, so I just sat there, waiting. Finally, I heard a Voice on a very crackly-sounding Loudspeaker say, “Now serving Number 340988. Number 340988. Please go to Window 3.” I was sure they’d accidentally skipped my Number, so I went to Window 3, thinking that even if they did call Number 340988, it should bee my turn first beecause I had already done the Waiting Part.

The bee at Window 3 said, “Number, please.” So I gave her the little piece of beeswaxed paper that had the ‘340987’ written on it.

“Oh, no no no,” she said with what looked to me like a smirk on her Bee Face, “I’m sorry, but we already called your Number. You weren’t here, so we had to move on. Please step aside.”

“340988, please come to Window 3,” that Voice on the Loudspeaker say again.

“But,” I started to say, wanting to point out that I was there, and I got there beefore Number 340988, so I should bee next, but she interrupted me.

“No, sir. If your questionable Repair Needs have not been met today, you will have to contact our Semi-Authorised Overseas Product Help Line, and they will bee mostly happy to help you. Now, please step aside. Or do I have to call Security?”

Then that Voice on the Loudspeaker said, “Number 340989, please come to Window 3.”

I felt sorry for whoever it was that had 340988.

Since I apparently did all that Waiting for no reason, I decided to just leave, go back home to my ShoeBox, and make a
call to the Semi-Authorised Overseas Product Help Line. A guy answered and said, “Hello? You reaching tech, and is your problem what?”

I told the guy what my problem was - that I needed my Nectarizer fixed again - and I think he said, “Yes, I am understanding. Holding for a moment while I connected you,” and he put me on Hold.

I had to wait on Hold for about 187 minutes, and the whole time I had to listen to a bunch of Polka Music played on Kazzzzzoos (which was very irritating). Every once in awhile, a recording would interrupt, telling me how Valuable my Call was to them, and that a Customer Service Representative would bee with me very shortly, probably.

Finally, the music stopped again, and a Computer Voice said, “Congratulations, you’re next! Please press 1 to bee connected to the next, available Customer Service Representative.” So I did that. Then that Voice came back on and said, “We’re sorry, that extension is buzzy right now. Please try your call again later. Goodbye.”

I tried to say, “NO! I was next!”, but they had already hung up.

Seriously now.

The worst thing is that my Nectarizer still isn’t fixed. I did all that Waiting for nothing. And now, I hafta start all over with this whole thing.

So I’m gonna go do that.

Let’s all bee careful out there!

GeorgieBee Signature

Observation #34: Short Term Memory Problems

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Where was I? Oh yeah…

I think my Editor might have a serious problem. I haven’t been able to fail to not notice that he seems to bee having trouble remembering stuff properly. (I don’t have that problem myself, usually, so I’m really glad I’m alert enough to notice things like this.)

Yesterday, I remembered that my Editor wanted to see me in his Office on Tuesday, so since today is Tuesday, I showed up right on time.

When I walked in, he said, “Bee, where have you been? You were supposed to bee here on Tuesday.”

“It is Tuesday,” I told him, “and, as you can clearly see, here I am.”

“You were supposed to bee here last Tuesday,” he said, “or Else.”

Georgie-with-his-Editor_4


“Was I? I don’t think so. I think you might bee mistaken. Last Tuesday, I was busy doing something else, and I’m absolutely sure I wouldn’t have forgotten the ‘or Else’ part, probably. So, now that I’m here, what can I do for you?” I asked him.

“You don’t know? You don’t remember?” He seemed really upset. “Are you telling me that you want ME to have to help you remember your Job?” He started getting really loud. “I CAN’T DO THAT, BEE!”

I really felt terrible for him, even if he was screaming at me. I mean, how sad is it when somebody starts having memory problems like that, when they get to a point where they simply can’t remember stuff.

“I’m sorry,” I said. I mean, I’m mostly sure all of us can agree that it’s just sad when somebody has a problem like this.

“Well it’s about time,” he said. “I never thought I’d live to see the day when you finally said those words to me,” he said.

“Seriously? Why would you say something like that? Everybody knows that I’m a highly sympathetic and compassionate bee. I can feel your pain. Why wouldn’t I bee sorry? Of course I’m sorry.” I felt kind of insulted.

“What are you talking about, Bee?” he asked. He seemed confused.

“What? You don’t remember? This is worse than I thought,” I said.

For some reason, I noticed that my Editor looked way confused, so to spare him the embarrassment he was suffering, so I asked, “Are we done here?”

My Editor started shaking. (I’m thinking that might bee a Symptom of his Serious Condition).

“NO,” he started yelling again, “we’re NOT.” Then he picked up a copy of one of my old Observations and started waving it around. “Do you see this?”

“Yes,” I told him, but I couldn’t read it beecause it was going back and forth too fast. It was a total blur.

“Two weeks ago, you once again failed in your Product Endorsement and Marketing Responsibilities by neglecting to include the word, ‘Royal’ in your reference to our Beeloved Sponsor, Great Grandma Gee Gee’s Royal HoneyChew Krisp Cookies™. Great Grandma Gee Gee is furious.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, too, but is it really that big a deal? I mean, I mostly don’t bother to remember that far back, so it must not bee that huge a problem, right? Beesides, she never mentioned anything about any of this to me, and I’m pretty sure I would have remember if she had, usually.” (Luckily, at that moment, I remembered that she had left me a message on my Cell Phone that she wanted to talk to me last Wednesday, but I was snowed in, so it would have been Friday beefore I could have even made it to her place, and Friday isn’t Wednesday, is it? So I scratched it off my Calendar.)

“What the actual hell, Bee? Stop arguing with me, start doing your job correctly - or Else! Now get out of my Office!” he said.

The fact that my Editor didn’t even remember that the “or Else” part is, as we’ve all discovered, nothing more than a Meaningless Threat has me more worried than ever about his Memory Problem. I think it’s amazingly rude to get into big arguments with somebody who isn’t Well, so I said, “Fine,”, gave him a Big Hug (which he seemed to really hate), and I left.

I hafta say that I hope I never have a Problem like that, ya’ know? I’ve heard that Prevention is everything, so it’s important to watch your Diet (only the healthiest Nectar and Pollen Dishes, light on the Honey) and get plenty of Rest and Relaxation.

So I’m gonna go do that.

Let’s all bee highly careful out there!

GeorgieBee Signature

Observation #33: Meaningless Threats

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I’m just gonna continue where I left off here . . .

On Monday, I think it was, I was sitting in my amazingly comfortable Dr.Bee’sBest™ Multi-Media Surround-Sound Rocker-Recliner (with the optional Nectar Cup Holders), watching that Retrospective Documentary about "The Life and Times of Alan Thickebee: the Lost Episodes”, when there was a knock at my ShoeBox Door.

"I wonder who that could bee," I wondered.

When I went to see who was there, and to find out why they were interrupting my Stories, I found out that my Editor had sent a Messenger Bee to inform me that he (my Editor) would, and I quote, “bee Highly Enthusiastic to see you (he meant me) in my (which meant his) Office first thing on Tuesday Morning (which was two days ago) - or Else.” Geeeeeze. That really took the enjoyment out of my returning to my Stories (it was just getting into Alan’s Talk Show Days), but I tipped the Messenger Bee anyway, and he left. (I gave him a delicious and usually nutritious Great Grandma Gee Gee’s Royal HoneyChew Krisp Cookie™. He seemed very pleased with that, which he should beecause they’re Mmmm-Mmmm So Highly Good™.)

So did you even know that Alan Thickbee HAD a Talk Show? I didn’t either.
Maybee that's why they call it, "the Lost Episodes", otherwise, we'd all know that.

Anyway, beelieve it or not, it’s already Thursday - and I still haven’t made it to my Editor’s Office yet. You’d think I’d bee highly nervous about that “or Else”, wouldn’t you? I’m not. And do you know why? It’s beecause I’ve just noticed something reasonably Valuable and Important, and that is: All this time, my Editor’s been telling me “or Else”, and mostly nothing has ever happened when I didn’t do what he told me to. I dunno about you, but it seems pretty clear that all his Threats have been totally meaningless, clearly. Think about it: I was supposed to bee in his Office two days ago, but I wasn’t - and absolutely nothing bad has happened to me. (Oh sure, I accidentally slammed my left Antenna in the Cabinet Door last night, and it’s still highly sore, but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t have anything to do with my Editor, probably.)

What does that say to you about those who make threats like, “or Else” to you? I’ll bet you’re thinking what I’m thinking, aren’t you? That’s what I thought. All this “or Elsing” is meaningless (it has no meaning), and, if you ask me, it’s highly rude. I think we can all just relax about it.

And that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna finish this Documentary, then I’ll find the time to visit my Editor just as soon as I get around to it, which should mostly bee soon. If not, I’ll go there later. Maybee he’ll get mad at me for that, but seriously now, what’s he gonna do? Evidently, nothing.

Beesides, this is a really great Week to just stay inside. It’s unbeelievably cold and windy out. I heard that the Authorities are issuing Warnings that Superfluous or Other Random Trips outside the Hive are Highly Discouraged - which should include my ShoeBox - and that everybody should just stay inside.

So I’m gonna do that. I mean, who am I to argue with the Authorities?

Let’s all bee highly careful out there (even if we all do stay inside)!

GeorgieBee Signature

Obervation #32: Laziness

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I hafta say that it’s highly unlike me, usually, but for some reason I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling amazingly lazy lately. Basically, I just want to sit here and watch my Stories on TV, munch on some Always-Delicious™ Great Grandma Gee Gee’s HoneyChew Krisp Cookies™, and try to stay warm. (I dunno about anybody else, but the Cold Season seems to always make me feel lazy like that, ya’ know what I mean?)

So that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing, mostly.

Okay fine, it was more or less Semi-Warm and Marginally Sunny today for a little while but it was windy out - but who wants to go out and hafta deal with that? Would you? I wouldn’t, either. So I didn’t. Instead, I stayed inside, munched on those delicious ... well, you know... and started watching a Two-Part, 87-Hour Marathon Documentary about the growing problem of Fruit Fly Infestations in the Lower Sahara, at least I think that’s where the problem is. I haven’t finished watching that yet, so I dunno. Oh sure, I could do a Web Search or something to find out, but as I said, I’m just feeling too lazy to do that, also.

You’re probably saying to yourself, “Shouldn’t he bee doing something productive or something? Isn’t it a total waste of time for such an industrious, talented bee to bee just sitting around, nibbling on a bunch of you-know-whats, watching his Stories and trying to stay warm?” (I dunno about anybody else, but I’ve noticed that when somebody runs into somebody else who’s lazy, they seem to ask those kinds of questions for some reason.) About all I can say to that is, “No, not really.”

So I’m gonna keep doing that.

Let’s all bee highly careful out there!

GeorgieBee Signature