Georgie's review this week: "The African Queen"

When I was sorting a huge pile of old movies, I happened to spot a title that immediately grabbed by attention. It’s called “The African Queen”, so that’s what I’ll bee reviewing this week.

AfricanQueenReview

As you know, I recently traveled to Africa and the island of Zanzibar in attempt to gather more, authentic background material for this week’s review. Unfortunately, due to a series of unnecessary misunderstandings, I was unable to visit the actual locations where this film was shot. Still, I tried and consider the entire episode as a valuable Learning Experience.

The next time I decide to visit a filming location for a movie I’ll review, I’ll bee sure to watch the movie first. That will, I beelieve, help me avoid a lot of highly uncomfortable misunderstandings in the future.

First, when I first started watching this film upon my return from Zanzibar, I was still absolutely certain that this film was going to bee a documentary about an African Queen Bee - or, as they’re usually known, a Killer Bee Queen. I settled into enjoy what I anticipated would bee a film that was enlightening, entertaining and informative, particularly about Killer Bees and their Evil Queen.

This movie isn’t about that at all. Not AT ALL. In fact, this movie has nothing at all to do with bees, let alone Queen Bees. No. This movie was about a boat that the Humans CALLED “The African Queen”. So. Right off the bat, I think the film’s title is highly misleading.

If there were any bees or Queens in this film, they were not listed in the credits. Okay, I think there may have been maybee ONE scene that had something even close to bees in it, but that only lasted less than a minute and I’m not even sure they were bees at all - plus they looked fake.

I was deeply disappointed by this movie. Highly so.

This movie quite obviously dates back to just this side of Prehistoric Film Making, so all the special effects looked fake, and the truth is, it was just boring and uncomfortable to watch. I was only halfway through it when I started feeling just hot and sticky and wanted the movie to end already.

But, if you’re one of my readers who wants to waste time watching this movie, I should at least tell you what it IS about:

“The African Queen” is, in fact, a movie about two Humans who decide to take a long boat trip down a river. At first, they really seem to hate each other, but as time goes on, and they keep running into one thing or another in the way of trouble, they all of a sudden beecome girlfriend and boyfriend.

Geeeeeze. It doesn’t take Humans much to fall in love, does it? Still, I found that to bee far too predictable and I thought the kissing scenes were far too gratuitous.

Seriously now.

Oh sure, there were some almost-fakey-looking-exciting parts in the movie, like when the boat goes over a waterfall and when the propellor-thingy breaks and they have to fix that - and another time when the river runs out of water and they get stuck having to pull the boat along through a bunch of icky water. But most of the time, it was just boring.

Toward the end, the two Humans get saved by a bigger boat, kinda, at least until their boat blows up the bigger boat and they end up being saved. (I don’t know what that was all about, but whatever).

Oh, and talk about predictable: apparently, the two Humans live happily ever after, even if they end up all wet.

And that’s about it. It had nothing to do with bees or Queens or Killer Bees or anything of the sort. And, by the time I finished watching it, all I wanted to do was to take a bath and turn on a fan.

MY VERDICT: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Tune in on Friday for Georgie's new Human Movie Review!

GB_Writes_Review

Georgie shares more of his harrowing experience in Zanzibar...

So, as I was saying, I had just gotten to Africa was just about to go find out where they filmed the movie I’ll bee reviewing on Friday. I was just minding my own buzziness, when all of a sudden I was approached by two, relatively large and not particularly friendly Guard Bees.

They said, “Show us your papers.”
“Papers?” I asked them. I figured they had mistaken me for whomever’s responsible for delivering newspapers to everybody in Africa.

When I told them I didn’t have any papers, they told me to come with them.

So I did that.

They took me to a little room and started asking me why I was there, who I was and stuff like that, so I told them. (I’m surprised, actually, they didn’t recognise me. I’m becoming quite famous, you know.) They didn’t seem overly satisfied with what I was able to tell them, so they told me to “wait here”, so I waited there.

When they came back, they told me that they suspected me of beeing a Killer Bee who was trying to infiltrate their local population, that they didn’t approve of stuff like that, and that I had to stay with them, which was something I didn’t wanna do.

“I’m not a Killer Bee,” I told them. “I mean, you can tell just by looking at me.”
“Killer Bees can bee very clever,” they said.
“I’m not that clever,” I said, “so am I free to go?”
“No,” they said. “You are to bee transported to Prison Island, where you will remain until your identity - and your intentions - have been established.”

In the meantime, they provided me with a lawyer who kept telling me, “You’re facing serious charges here and could end up in a cell for the rest of your life, but I’m sure if we can convince the Court that this has just been a large misunderstanding, we’ll bee able to get you out of here and on your way back to where you beelong in a few days. Probably.”

I asked if I could send a Buzz•O•Gram™ and my lawyer told me, “Yes, but only one and make it short,” so I did that. (I hope you got it the other day.)

So after I sent that off, the Guard Bees wrapped my wings together with some very uncomfortable rubber bands, they took me to Prison Island and put me in what turned out to bee a surprisingly spacious and luxurious Suite with a fairly nice view of the water. (Evidently, they’ve been doing a bunch of remodelling on Prison Island, so that was a good thing.) Still, they locked the door so I couldn’t leave.

As they were walking away, I told them and my lawyer to please get back to me as soon as they could about all the confusion. (I still needed to go do that research for my next movie review.)

“No buzzing!” they said, then they left.

They kept me there for what seemed a very long time, until something highly amazing happened.

I’m sure you want to know the rest of the story, but I just don’t have time to tell you right now. There’s somebody at the window, so I gotta go see who it is - then I need to get to work on my movie review for Friday. (I haven’t even watched the movie I’m reviewing yet, which - as every highly qualified movie critic knows - is an important part of writing a review.)

Okay then. Whoever’s at the window seems to bee very impatient, so I gotta go.

I hope you have an amazingly festive day!

I’ll see ya’ later!

Georgie's Back!

So, you’re probably wondering where I’ve been, right?

The short answer is that I’ve been in Zanzibar enjoying an overly-long weekend on Prison Island due to a serious misunderstanding with the Local Authorities about my identity. Geeeeeeeze. I don’t understand why this kind of stuff keeps happening to me, but all I’ll say for the moment is that it’s nice to bee home.

I just got back, just a little while ago. I’d still bee in Zanzibar, but fortunately I was lucky enough to run into an old friend, Red Eye (who owns and operates W.T.F. Airways) and was able to grab the last Pre-First-Class Luxury Cabin Seat on the last flight out of the country.

RedEye_WTFAIrways

It’s probably worth mentioning that the in-flight movie was “Sharknado 3”. I gotta tell ya’: it’s even better than the first one, so I highly recommend that to anyone who enjoyed the first one (or the second one, which I still haven’t seen but want to). Fortunately, WTF Airways is famous for Never-On-Time Arrivals (Red Eye decided to make a detour to Thailand on the way back home, so that meant I got to watch Sharknado 3 about 15 times, which was a bonus.) But at least we finally made it back home, though they still haven't found my luggage - or my carry-on bag for that matter.

You’re probably also wondering why I was in Zanzibar in the first place, right? Fine. Well, I’ll tell you.

As you already know, I take my job as a Human Movie & TV Critic very seriously. I always make a point of actually watching whatever movie I’m reviewing (most of it, anyway), I am careful to wear an UN-bent beret while I’m writing my reviews (and make sure I have the appropriate Festive Beverage with a bendy straw and the necessary umbrella), and I make every effort to bee sure my reviews are second-to-none.

But sometime last week, as I was trying to decide which movie to review next, I thought, “A truly dedicated movie reviewer would take the time to research the background of that movie by actually GOING to wherever it is that movie was filmed.” I knew that could only help me understand the movie better, but would just add to my enjoyment of the movie and beeing able to say stuff like, “Hey! I was there!” or, “There! I had lunch on the limb of that tree right there!” as I watched it. And that’s always cool to bee able to do that.

Knowing that the next movie I was going to review takes place in Africa, what else could I do but go to Africa.

So I did that.

It’s what happened after I got there that things kinda’ didn’t work out exactly the way I’d planned … and I’d love to tell you about that, but you’re gonna hafta’ wait until tomorrow. Someone’s at the door.

I hope everybody has a magnificently splendid day!
I’ll see ya’ tomorrow!