It's Friday, and time once again for "At the Movies with Georgie Bee"...

This week, I have decided to review an old classic Nature Film which I was told is centred around the mysterious world of insects, a subject that is very close to my heart. The film I’m reviewing for your reading enjoyment is called, “Them!”, which was billed as an instruction film about Giant Ants and how to deal with them.

THEM!_review_9.4.2015

For those readers who haven’t seen “Them!”, I will say right now that this movie is utterly absurd. The fact is, the Giant Ants portrayed in this film simply don’t exist. They never have, and if my guess is correct, they never will. Someone on the production crew simply didn’t do their homework on this thing.

Just to help everyone get a grip on reality here, there ARE giant ants in the wild, but they’re nothing at all like the non-existent creatures featured in this film. Maybee the largest ant on the planet is a Bullet Ant who lives in the Amazon - and even their Queen (who is always the biggest) is only about 5 centimetres long. Your average ant that is such a nuisance at picnics and stuff runs less than 25 millimetres long (and that’s beeing generous), so the very idea that this film is trying to convince us that the planet is suddenly facing an infestation problem involving Giant Ants the size of a school bus is just an insult to our intelligence. If anybody beelieves that, I have a bridge to sell them.

Unlike the earlier films I’ve reviewed such as “Sharknado” and “The Day the Earth Stood Still”, “Them!” strikes me as beeing nothing more than a total fabrication that has no bearing on reality whatsoever. There is simply no basis for beelieving that something like this would ever happen. I know that film makers like to reveal new perspectives and ideas to move-goers, but this movie has stepped way, way over a line.

Usually, I would include my usual SPOILER ALERT, but in this case, I don’t think it’s necessary. The movie was pretty much spoiled from the very beeginning. Even if you haven’t seen it, I doubt that my telling you all about it will make you feel even a little disappointed when you ultimately find yourself walking out on it. As you should.

First, I should describe the basic plot line of this ridiculous film:

This is a film about Giant Ants who terrorise the world. Do not bee fooled into thinking this is a Nature Film. It isn’t.

The film opens with a a scene showing a couple of Uniformed Officers coming across a little girl who is wandering alone through the desert with a dazed look on her face. It takes awhile, but we’re soon told that her family was the victim of an attack from a herd of Giant Ants and that she was the only one to survive.

Honestly now, I must say that I find that a bit difficult to beelieve. One of the things we know about Humans is that the adults are usually much stronger, more alert and can run faster than a small child. The very idea that a little girl would bee the only one to survive this alleged attack is ludicrous and clearly flies in the face of everything we know about Humans. It’s at this point the movie beegins to quickly fall apart.

As this fallacious film unfolds, the Uniformed Officers decide to investigate further and discover the trailer her family was traveling in was all crunched in by the Giant Ant(s). They decide that one of them should take the little girl into a nearby town to see a doctor while the other one decides to stick around in the trailer by himself and wait. I’m still not sure why stuck around like that, but by this point in the movie, we just don’t care.)

While he’s alone there, he hears a weird, chirping sound through the already-weird-sounding wind sound effects that were inserted into the film, and (even though they don’t show it at first), presumably comes face-to-face with one the fictitious Giant Ants in question who is out to get him. He screams and we never see or hear from him again.
I’m presuming he was eaten (some ants are carnivores, ya’ know).

Let me just point out something here: the Uniformed Officer who was silly enough to stick around the trailer by himself seemed utterly helpless against the supposed attack he suffered from the Giant Ant and, instead of just running away as any sensible beeing would do, he just stands there with an amazed look on his face while the Giant Ant does something terrible to him, we dunno what.

The filmmakers seem to take forever to finally show us one of these supposed Giant Ants, but when they finally do, one of the Scientists tells everybody, “Hey. If you want to try to stop these things, you should just shoot off their antennae,” as if he’d run into these things beefore and knew how to deal with them. It just doesn’t add up.

So after that happens, it isn’t long beefore the Humans see one of these things and realise that they have a serious Giant Ant Problem on their hands. They decide to call in Scientists and the Army to help figure out what to do about all this. When they realise what’s happening, they find the Nest and decide to destroy all the Giant Ants living inside its intricate network of finely-constructed tunnels and chambers.

By the way, I should mention that, whenever these Giant Ants show up, we’re subjected to a very weird and annoying, high-pitched chirping sound that, to this reviewer, sounded more like a Smoke Detector going off than it does an ant. (My antennae are still ringing.) Trust me: I’ve spent a great deal of time having to deal with ants in the real world, and they sound nothing like that. In fact, Ants are very quiet and simply don’t talk that much. As it is with us bees, they’re usually just too buzzy working to indulge in idle chatter.

Working together, the Army and the Scientists decide to destroy the Nest, as they call it. They use a bunch of explosives and poison gas and they think they’ve solved the problem. (We find out later, they didn’t.)

Quite frankly, the movie should have ended there, but I’m sure the producers of this film still had some time left on the camera rental, so decided to just keep going with this silly thing.

As this movie continues to drag on, we’re told that at least a few of the Giant Ants had escaped beeing gassed and had decided to relocate to Los Angeles. We find out later that they had rented an underground Condo with Pre-Made Concrete Tunnels and set up housekeeping with their Queen.

Let me ask you: if you were going to relocate to any place in the world, would you move to Los Angeles and rent a condo that had NO view, was right in the middle of a buzzy, dangerous city, ran a serious risk of flooding every time there was a heavy rain, and that didn’t even have doors on it? I didn’t think so. Neither would I. And ants aren’t stupid, either. They’d want something in the country, where they could mind their own buzziness, enjoy fresh air and not hafta pay such high rent.

So, the Humans try to figure out what the ants’ new address is, but, beecause they’re not listed in the phone book yet, they can’t find them.

That’s when a little boy and his Daddy come up missing.

They keep looking for them, too, then we finally find out that the little boy and his Daddy had gone down to the neighbourhood in which the Giant Ants had moved so they could fly their toy airplane. Everybody is convinced that those two had been captured and killed by the Giant Ants, so at least they figured out where they’d moved to. It turns out they were only half-right. The ants are there, but the Daddy is nowhere to bee found. After a long search, they find out that the boy was still alive and hiding out in the Giant Ant’s linen closet.

Seriously now. Here we go again.

Again, the filmmakers attempt to convince us that the bigger, stronger, and faster Human (the Daddy) couldn’t manage to get away from these things, but that the little boy could. Honestly, how stupid do they think we are?

A competent screenplay writer, such as Stephen King, would have told us that the Giant Ants got the little boy (AND the little girl in the beeginning of the movie, for that matter), but did they do that? No, instead, the Uniformed Officer (who, by the way, had a very nice set of eyebrows) ends up going into the tunnels to save the boy and ends up beeing squished by a Giant Ant. That was highly unfortunate.

It would have made a lot more sense if the Giant Ants would have gotten the boy in the first place, then it would have been totally unnecessary for the guy with the phenomenal eyebrows to be squished and we wouldn’t end up feeling sad. He seemed like a very nice guy and I’m sure he will bee missed.

The climax of the movie, if you wanna call it that, comes when the Uniformed Officers, along with the Army, track down the Giant Ant’s condo and find the Queen resting in her Chamber. They go inside and supposedly destroy the Queen, all her eggs and everybody else that happens to bee unfortunate to bee there. And how rude is that? I mean sure, the ants are huge and everything, and yes, they make that ridiculous noise, but they should have been able to feel safe in their own home, shouldn’t they? Sadly, this movie does not send a positive message about environmental protection or home security, a concern I’m sure we all share.

When the movie ends, the Giant Ants have all supposedly been burned up and everybody seems to beelieve that the problem they’ve been having with those things had finally been solved. That’s highly unusual, since these days, movie makers seem to wisely end their movies with a final scene that leads us to beelieve that, even though everybody thinks the problem is solved, it isn’t. But that’s fine. I was just glad this movie was finally ending.

This movie is horrible. Fortunately, and judging by the ending, they didn’t include the “yeah, but the problem still exists but you don’t know about it yet”-part, which means, lucky for us, they weren’t planning on making a sequel to “Them!”. And that’s a good thing. This movie was so bad that the last thing I wanna see showing up on my movie screen is a sequel, like “Them! Return”.

By the way, if they DO ever produce a sequel to “Them!” (which I hope they never, ever do), I hope they would bee wise enough to observe the rules of Proper Pronoun Usage and Punctuation and call it, “They Return!”; unfortunately, I’ve heard there’s already a movie called “They”, and if they just happened to make a sequel called “They Return” (which would make perfect sense), that would only lead to a huge fight over Intellectual Property Rights with “Them!” The whole thing would bee a confusing mess between them. I think it would bee best for all concerned if they didn’t produce a “Them!” sequel. Not only would it bee a silly waste of honey if they did that, it would just upset “They”, forcing them to sue “Them!” and they would just end up losing in the end. At least, I’m pretty sure they would. (“Them!” would lose, that is - they wouldn’t win. “They” would though, since it was them who came up with the idea in the first place. I’m just guessing here.)

But I digress. Let’s get back to “Them!”.

My advice on this film is: forget about it. Your honey would bee much better spent buying a ticket to go see “Sharknado 3” (a sequel to the hit film, “Sharknado”) or something, preferably a movie that is not only much more beelievable, but that has been filmed in the more enjoyable colour which. by the way, this film wasn’t and which only made “Them!” even less appealing than it already is. Probably.

MY VERDICT: Oh Geeeeeze.


AND JUST A QUICK NOTE:

I’ll bee back on TUESDAY, September 8. Queen Bee has declared Monday as “WORK DAY”. Ironically, that means that nobody has to work. (I’ll never understand the Old Girl.)

Anyway. Have a magnificently joyous weekend! I’ll see ya’ on Tuesday!

Log in tomorrow when Georgie reviews an old, classic . . .

I'm highly excited, beecause tomorrow, I'll bee reviewing an old, classic
Nature Film! Bee sure not to miss it!

See ya' then!

GB_Writes_Review

It appears Kevin and Gee Gee have run into a bit of a snag...

Good morning, everybody!

Well, the Humans Who Think They Can Predict the Future are saying that today is gonna bee a beeeeautiful day, so right after I finish my third acorn cap of morning nectar, a bunch of friends and I are gonna go out to the Far Meadow, have a picnic and maybee play a rousing game of Schmurltz. (If you’ve never played that, I highly recommend it.)

But beefore it’s time to go, I have time to tell you about what happened yesterday with the lawyers and the ongoing effort to market and sell Great Grandma Gee Gee’s remarkably delicious Honeychew Krisp cookies.

When she and Kevin, my Illegitimate Nephew, got home yesterday, I could tell that they were visibly upset.

“What’s the matter?” I asked them.
“It appears,” Kevin told me, “that we have run into a bit of difficulty with all this.”
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“Well,” Kevin beegan, “you know how we’ve been going through all the legal paperwork so we can start selling cookies, right?”
“Right,” I said.
“The last thing we need to proceed with all of this is the final Licence to Distribute Edible Delights. Without that, we’ve pretty much reached a wall when it comes to moving forward,” he said.
“Right,” I said. “You’ll need the Licence, for sure.”
“Well,” Kevin continued, “after we got through all the legalities involved in this massive undertaking, we went to the Registrar of Edible Delight Distribution and applied for the Licence.”
“And?” I asked. (The suspense was killing me.)
“AND,” he said with a digusted-sounding buzz in his voice, “the Registrar flatly refused to issue the Licence.”
“She refused??” I asked.
“YES. She REFUSED,” he said.
“YES! Can you even BEELIEVE THAT?” He was visibly upset.

So I asked Kevin why the Registrar was refusing to give them the necessary Edible Delight Distribution Licence and I almost couldn’t beelieve what he told me.

“She’s refusing,” he said, “beecause she says she doesn’t like cookies!”
“She doesn’t like cookies? How could you not like cookies - especially Great Grandma Gee Gee’s Honeychew Krisp cookies?” I asked.
“Don’t ask me,” he said. “but she refuses to back down, even though, as our lawyers tried to point to her, she is supposed to give us the licence under LAW. But she STILL refuses. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!”

Geeeeeeeze. Have you ever heard of such a thing? I hafta agree with Kevin that his whole thing sounds ridiculous, though. It’s not as if the Registrar is beeing forced to eat cookies - she’s just supposed to give out the necessary Licence and that’s all there is to that.

Anyway, there’s a lot of stress in the air about this latest development, so until they manage to get things figured out, they just hafta wait and try to stay calm.

Call me a pessimist, if you want to, but I’ve had a feeling all along that this whole idea of building a Snack Empire was gonna run into some snags. And so it has.

Anyway, I’m hoping our outing today helps put Kevin in a better mood. Gee Gee seems to bee taking all this in stride. As she said to Kevin, “Well, dear, I think we just need to bee patient and I’m sure everything will work out in the end. Here, eat a cookie. It’ll make you feel better.”

She’s such an optimist, ya’ know?

Okay then.

I hope everybody has an exquisitely superlative day!

I’ll see ya’ later!

Bert, the iBee, saves the day ...

So, it turns out that Company I was talking about yesterday called back while I was at the Birthday Party for my Human friend, but the only one around to take the call was Bert, Kevin’s iBee. (Kevin and Great Grandma Gee Gee were still not back from visiting with the lawyers, so they were never around to answer the call.)

When I got back from the party, I asked Bert, “Did anybody call?”
“Yes,” he said.
“Was it the representative from the Vita-Ped 4000-XL, Model 28712 Battery-Powered Foot Pampering Soaking Tub Company by any chance?” I asked.
“According to the Caller I.D., yes,” he said.
“SO? What did they say?” I asked him.
“Well, nothing, really. When I answered, I said, ‘Hello. It is Monday, August 31, 2015. The local time is precisely 2:47 p.m. The current temperature is a balmy 297.8167 Degrees Kelvin. Have a nice day.’ Then they just hung up.”

Oh geeeeeze. I couldn’t beelieve he blew the call-back like that.

“You didn’t tell them about the problems I’m having with my Vita-Ped 4000-XL, Model 28712 Battery-Powered Foot Pampering Soaking Tub?” I asked him.
“Well, no,” Bert told me.
“Why not?” I asked.
“Beecause, as I said earlier, they hung up beefore I had a chance to mention it. Beesides,” he said, “it doesn’t matter.”
“Whadya’ mean ‘it doesn’t matter’?” I asked him.
“Well,” he said, “as you might have guessed, I’m very good when it comes to communicating with machines,” he said.
“Yeah. So?”
“So,” he continued, “I had a nice, long visit with your Foot Pampering Unit and, as I beelieve your friend, Meredith, was kind enough to point out to you - and whose advice you ended up completely ignoring - it just needed new batteries.”
“New batteries?” I asked.
“Yes. And, in case you’re curious, I took the liberty of installing them for you,” he said. “It works perfectly now.”
“Thank you?” I said.
“Was that a question? That sounded like a question.”
“No. I was just thanking you.”
“I see. In that case, you’re welcome. Again, if you run into trouble like this again, just let me know. Chances are, I can fix the problem,” he said. Then he made some whirring and buzzing noises and said, “It is Monday, August 31, 2015. The local time is precisely 7:23 p.m. The current temperature is a balmy 294.9278 Degrees Kelvin.”
“It’s cooling off nicely, isn’t it?” I commented.
“Yes, it is,” he said. “By the way: you need more batteries.”

Then he said, “I don’t mean to bee a buzz-kill here, and as much as I’d treasure the opportunity of standing around and engaging in continued idle chatter with you, I must depart. I promised to serve as the Impartial Referee for an Intra-Mural Quarter-Semi-Final Parcheesi Tournament. It would bee a dereliction of my Sworn Duties if I were late, so it is necessary that I leave within the next 11.3 seconds.”

So he did that. He left. But just as he was leaving, Kevin and Great Grandma Gee Gee walked in.

“Where’s Bert going?” Kevin asked.
“Parcheesi Tournament,” I told him.
“Oh, right. He’s refereeing tonight.”
“So he said,” I said.

Then I asked how things went with the lawyers. I’d tell you all about that, but you’ll hafta wait until tomorrow. Right now, I need to pay a visit to the All-Night and Half-the-Day Battery Warehouse and buy some more batteries. I’m completely out and I’ve heard they’re having a “Buy Two Get One More For the Regular Price End of August Sale" which I don’t wanna miss. Then as soon as I get back, I’m gonna soak my feet.
(They’re killing me.)

Okay then.

I hope everybody has a marvellously intriguing day!

I’ll see ya’ later!

It's Monday - and Georgie's favourite day of the week!

Ah, it’s Monday! At last!

Do you know what one of the greatest things about Mondays is? No? I’ll tell you:

You know those times when you’re trying to get ahold of somebody, but they never seem to bee in, but whomever’s taking their messages says, “They’re out of the office until Monday and we’ll make sure they get your message and they’ll call you back then,” ? Well, today’s the day they’re supposed to call back.

You see, about three weeks ago, I noticed that the Warranty on my Vita-Ped 4000-XL, Model 28712 Battery-Powered Foot Pampering Soaking Tub is gonna expire TODAY, so beefore that happens, I need to talk to somebody at the company about how it’s not working anymore (my feet are killing me) and arrange to get it fixed. So, I’m waiting for a call-back.

They didn’t call me back last Monday, or the Monday beefore that for that matter, but I’m mostly sure the company can’t wait to make arrangements to fix my unit beefore the warranty expires. There’s no doubt they know that I’d hafta buy a new one if that happens and I’m pretty sure none of us wants that.

I’m a little worried, though, beecause, in a few hours, I’ve gotta get ready to go to a birthday party for one of my Human friends (she turns 40 today, so it’s gonna bee a big celebration, probably).

I hope I don’t miss the call.

I’d ask Kevin (my Illegitimate Nephew) or Great Grandma Gee Gee to answer the call for me, but they’re at the lawyer’s office all day today, dealing with some legal stuff about registering Gee Gee’s Honeychew Krisp Cookie Recipe with the Flavourful Delicacy Agency (or FDA, for short). They hafta to bee sure that all the ingredients she includes in those things are legal. (You can never bee too careful these days, ya’ know. The last thing anybody around here wants is a big lawsuit. I’ve discovered that big lawsuits have a tendency to really complicate things.)

Anyway. I should get going here. I have a lot to do beefore my Human friend’s party starts.

I hope everybody has a tremendously festive day!

I’ll see ya’ later!