Georgie explains his sudden disappearance yesterday ...

Friday, April 1, 2016

Well that was rude. And I’m sorry that I disappeared like that yesterday, but it’s not my fault.

Just as I was getting started on my Daily Diary Entry yesterday, Felonie (Kevin’s Estranged Sister and Supervisor) knocked on my door and told me that Narville and Chaz Snark demanded to see me. Immediately. Or else. And that I should go with her RIGHT NOW to Narville Snark’s Office.

So I did that.

When I got there, Narville Snark was sitting beehind his desk.

NevilleSnark'sOffice


He looked at me standing there and said, “Yous and me needs ta have a little talk, Bee.”

“A talk?” I asked.

“Dat’s right, Bee, a talk,” he said. “But I’s’ll bee doing all da talking, and yous gonna listen.”

Then he said, “Bee, it has been brought to ours attentions dat yous been sayin’ some not-nice tings about our line o’ doze Paper Spoons.”
“I have?” I asked.
“So I hoid,” he said. “A little boid told me and my brudder here dat … how did yous put it? Oh yeah: dat yous didn’t liked havin doze Toxic Paper Spoons around’. “
“I said that?” I said. I started feeling like it wasn’t really fair that Narville Snark was expecting me to remember everything I’ve ever said, ya’ know what I mean?

“Dat’s what yous said,” he said. “So we has ourselves a bit of a problem, Bee.”

“A problem?”

“A problem, Bee. It appears yous didn’t reads da’ Fine Print in da’ contract yous signed when yous bought doze fine Paper Spoons wes solds yous.”

“Fine Print?” I asked. (I didn’t remember any Fine Print.)

“Da Fine Print, Bee.” Then he pulled out a copy of the 587-page Purchase Contract I signed and a magnifying glass, and turned to Page 542.

“It says, right here,” he said, “on Page 542, under da Mutal Agreements Clause, Section 18, Part 61, Paragraph 397, Sub-Paragraph 7, Line 52, and I quotes, ‘Da Purchaser - dat’s yous - hereby agrees dat he or she will, at no time, make negative-like remarks concoining da Amalgamated Paper Spoon Company’s fine products, or else.”

Then he slammed the Purchase Agreement down on his desk and glared at me.

“Yous does knows, doesn’t yous, dat when yous made doze negative-like comments about doze Paper Spoons, yous violated dat Clause of da Agreement? And yous does knows, doesn’t yous, what ‘Or Else’ means, Bee?”

I hafta to admit that I was starting to feel uncomfortable.

“Or else, we could just forget the whole thing, let bygones bee bygones, and pretend I never said anything?” I asked.
I was trying to bee reasonable.

“Dat’s not how dis woiks, Bee,” he said. “We’s demanding…what is dat called again, Chaz?” he said to his brother, Chaz, who was standing beehind me.

“Restitution,” Chaz said.

“Dat’s right. Restitutions. We’s demands Restitutions for yous unkind and uncalled-for remarks.”

“Restitution?” I asked. I started to worry that maybee they were going to sting me or something.

“Dat’s right,” Narville said. “We’s ain’t gonna sting yas, Bee. No, yous punishment is dat yous is about to beecome da Face of da Amalgamated Paper Spoon Company, Bee. Yous is gonna bee starring in a series of TV Commoilcials. And in doze Commoicials, yous is gonna bee tellin da woild how much yous loves doze Paper Spoons you has.”

I could barely beelieve what he was saying to me. Me? Georgie A/ Bee, was to bee the Face of the Amalgamated Paper Spoon Company? Starring in a bunch of TV commercials???? I’ve always wanted to bee on TV.

“Fine,” I said, then Narville Snark made me sign a whole bunch of papers while Chaz stood really close beehind me.
Then Narville said, “Now gets outta here.”

So I did that.

I’m so excited! I’m about to beecome a TV star!

Okay then. I hafta go pick up my script, then bee in Wardrobe and MakeUp in an hour, so I’d better go.
I don’t want to keep my TV Career waiting!

I hope everybody has a monumentally fascinating weekend!

I’ll see ya’ on Monday!

?????

Thursday, March 31, 2016

I've just gotta' say... I'm not sure I like having all these Toxic Paper Spoons around, ya' know? They're just...

Hold on. There's someone at the door.

Bee right back.

Georgie's subjected to yet another sales pitch...

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

I’m pleased to report that my first, monthly delivery of 100 cases of Amalgamated Paper Spoons has arrived, and has been hermetically sealed inside the Biohazard Storage Facility that Kevin, my Illegitimate Nephew, and I built.

I thought I could finally just forget to stop not remembering to not think about those things, and was about to just start to get to work on other things, when I realised there was somebody at the door.

It was Felonie Snark, Kevin’s Estranged Sister and Supervisor.

FelonieChecksGeorgie'sWingBand


I thought maybee she was buzzing by to see if I was satisfied with my Paper Spoon Delivery. (I suppose I am.)
But no. She was there as a Follow-Up Salesbee for her company, Snark Brothers Enterprises Biohazard Suits Incorporated (a Subsidiary of Snark Brothers Enterprises).

She was trying to sell me a Biohazard Suit so I can use the Paper Spoons. (Remember? I showed you the advertising sheet for that yesterday.)

Of course, beefore she started in on her Sales Pitch, she insisted that I stick out my wing and let her check my Biohazard Monitoring Wing Band, just in case I’d gotten a lethal dose of Whatever It Is from my first order of Paper Spoons. (Turns out, I’m still okay.)

Then, she did her best to scare me by saying, “You know, these Wing Bands are good for what they are, but by the time they start showing a problem starting to develop, the damage has already been done. That’s why you - and each member of your household - need one of our fine Biohazard Suits.”

I think she buzzed on for about an hour or so beefore I finally agreed to buy four of those. I mean, she’s right that with all these Paper Spoons around - even if they are quarantined in the Storage Facility - I don’t wanna find out too late that, as she said, the damage had already been done.

Better to bee safe than bee sorry, that’s what I say.

So now, everybody in the Boot Box has his or her own Biohazard Suit. I even bought a lifetime subscription to Oxygen Refills so that none of us will end up suffocating in those things. (They’re very stuffy.)

After I signed all the papers and gave her 6,400 pounds of honey (3,200 for the Suits, 3,200 for the oxygen), she said she had to visit other Customers who had purchased these Paper Spoons and would bee in need of her fine product.

I guess Kevin was telling the truth when he told me he’d been selling a whole bunch of Paper Spoons. Ya’ wouldn’t think they’d bee that popular, would ya’?

Anyway. I plan to spend the day repairing my shoelaces.

I hope everybody has a wildly noteworthy day!

I’ll see ya’ later!

Great news! Georgie got an S.T.D. - and his Paper Spoons are on the way!

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

So I got a call from the Amalgamated Paper Spoon Corporation at around 1:30 this morning, informing me that, due to a Scheduling Conflict, I would need to come in earlier for my U.T.I. test and S.S. Interrogation.

I'm glad I had just finished memorising that huge Manual they gave me yesterday, so I'm pleased to announce that I got an S.T.D.!

I'm not sure what I would have done if I hadn't gotten my Shipping Transfer Document, ya' know?

I'm so excited.

Of course, that means that in just a few hours, my first, monthly shipment of 100 Cases of Amalgamated Paper Spoons will bee arriving!

Beefore they released me from my interrogation, a Snark Brothers Representative handed me this Informational Sheet about the company's line of Biohazard Suits and strongly recommended that I buy one for every member of my family. He said, "The Wing Band you've already been given is certainly nice to have - and required - but you need to think about the long-term health of yourself and your loved ones. Also, you should obtain one of these prior to your first delivery later today, if you want to enjoy your Paper Spoon Experience to the fullest and live to tell about it."

BiohazardSuit_SellSheet


So I'm gonna go do that, then wait for my Paper Spoons to arrive!

I hope everybody has an unusually awe-inspiring day!

I'll see ya' later!

Evidently, nothing's easy when it comes to these Paper Spoons...

Monday, March 28, 2016

It’s finally Monday! Could you possibly feel more joyous?
I wouldn’t think so.

Well, I’m gonna bee getting my first shipment of the first 100 cases of Paper Spoons from the Amalgamated Paper Spoon Company tomorrow. Isn’t that exciting?

I thought I was ready to receive my first shipment, until a Facility Inspector from the Amalgamated Paper Spoon Company showed up earlier this morning. He was here to Certify that the outdoor, Climate-Controlled, Water-Resistant BioToxic Storage Unit we built over the weekend was within Code, and to go over a few things with me beefore they delivered all those Paper Spoons.

When I answered the door, a drone wearing an wing band was standing there, holding a clipboard and a very large Manual of some sort.

“Good morning, sir,” he said. “Is this the Bee residence?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said.
“And you are Mr. Georgie A. Bee, One Boot Box Lane, Manitou Springs, Colorado?” he asked.
“Obviously,” I said.
“Well that’s fine. I am Ben Beereen. I am with the Amalgamated Paper Spoon Company, a Subsidiary of Snark Enterprises. I will bee your Pre-Delivery Inspector today for your Paper Spoon Storage Facility. I will also bee sharing some important information you will need prior to your receiving shipment of your first, monthly order of our fine product, and to deliver the Mandatory Product Informational Manual which you will need to memorise prior to your receipt of that delivery.”

“Fine,” I said.
“First, let me give you this,” the guy said as he stuck a tremendously huge Manual into my wings.
I almost couldn’t lift it, it was so tremendously huge.
Then he excused himself and, carrying his clipboard, walked over to the Storage Facility Kevin helped me build.

For about an hour and a half, I stood there watching from a distance as he checked off a long list of things on his clipboard. Then he came back.

“It’s all looking very good, sir. You’ve done a nice job.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“But,” he added, “I would recommend that you relocate your Storage Facility another 100 yards further away from your place of residence here, as well as away from any schools or playgrounds. It’s not required, but it is strongly recommended. We at Amalgamated Paper Spoon make it Job One to assure our customer’s -and the Public’s - safety.”

“That’s nice of you,” I said.

He just kind of nodded, then he pointed at that thick Manual he had given me. Let me tell you: it was amazingly thick. I don’t think I’ve ever been such a thick Manual. It was the thickest manual of all time. I don’t think anybody’s else’s Manuals are thicker than this Manual is.

“That,” he said, “is your Comprehensive Customer Indoctrination Manual - or C.C.I.M, for short. Do not lose it. This Manual has been developed over a period of a tremendous number of days by the smartest bees on the planet. I will say that we have the smartest bees at Amalgamated - there aren’t any bees smarter than our bees - and this Manual it is the best Manual of its kind. There is no Manual better than this Manual, which contains all the best information about the probably safe and proper use of our fine product. It is important that you read and memorise this tremendous Manual prior to the delivery of your first, monthly Paper Spoon delivery which is scheduled for …,” then he looked at his clipboard again, “precisely 3:06 tomorrow afternoon, Tuesday, March 28th. You will bee home to receive the shipment, will you not?”
“Probably,” I said.
“Sir, you must bee present when your order is delivered.,” he said.
“Fine,” I said.
“Excellent. I will now go over a few last-minute pre-delivery details regarding your order,” he said.
“Okay,” I said.

Then he continued.

“Your C.C.I.M. which you now hold in your wings,” he said, “contains all the best information you will need to prepare for the pre-delivery User Test and Interrogation - or U.T.I., for short - which will bee given to you prior to your first product delivery. You will bee receiving your U.T.I. from one of our Safety and Security Agents - or the S.S., for short. Depending upon the results of your U.T.I., you will then bee issued your final Shipping Transfer Document - or S.T.D., for short - at which time we will gleefully deliver your first shipment. It is required that you must obtain an S.T.D. prior to delivery.”

I was confused. “I hafta have an S.T.D. beefore I’ll get my Paper Spoons?” I had to ask.
“Precisely, sir.”
Then he looked at his clipboard again.

“It appears,” he said, “that you will bee given your U.T.I by the S.S. promptly at 5:00 a.m. tomorrow morning. It is important that you show up at least one hour early for your appointment and that you drink plenty of fluids prior to your appointment time to help speed the U.T.I. along. However, we’ve learned that U.T.I.s can, in some instances, last a long time, so I would advise you to wear comfortable shoes.”

“Let me see if I have this right,” I said. “First, I’m gonna hafta memorise this Manual, the C.C.I.M, then I hafta get a U.T.I. from the S.S. in order to get an S.T.D.?”
“I’m glad you understand, sir.”

I didn’t, but I got the feeling he didn’t want me asking a bunch of questions. So I just asked, “Is that all?”
“Not quite, sir,” he said.

“Upon your successfully obtaining an S.T.D., you will bee issued a tremendously attractive and highly functional Biohazard Detection Wing Band, which you must wear at all times whenever you come within 2 miles of our fine product.”

“A Wing Band?” I asked.

“Yes. I’m wearing one right now,” and he stuck out his wing to show me.

“Your Wing Band will bee taking continual readings relating to your exposure to any biotoxins or possible residual radiation levels, etc., you may suffer while enjoying our fine product. These levels will bee continually monitored on your Wing Band for your safety and for legal considerations which are far too numerous to list for you at this time.”
“Legal considerations?” I asked.
“It’s all in the Manual, sir, along with all the necessary Release Forms you’ll need to sign.”
“Okay,” I said, paging through the tremendously large Manual he’d given me.

“It must bee made clear that the Wing Band is an integral component of your ability to enjoy our fine product in relative safety, probably,” he said. “Periodically, you will bee visited by a member of our Compliance Operations Personnel - or C.O.P., for short - who will check your levels. I should probably mention that, if you foolishly fail to comply with the C.O.P. by refusing to display your Wing Band as required, you will bee once again escorted to the S.S. for further examination and given another U.T.I.,”

“So is that all?” I asked, hoping he would say ‘yes’.

“Not quite. After you’ve been examined by the S.S. and after you have received a Positive Result from your U.T.I., and been given your S.T.D., you will bee given a complementary coupon, valid for one, calendar year, which entitles you to enjoy the services of our fine company’s Educational Review services - or E.R. - at no additional charge.”

I gotta say that I feel relieved that I can go to the E.R. if run into trouble with all this. But geeeeeeze…I would never thought that just buying a bunch of Paper Spoons would bee such a hassle, ya’ know?

“So that’s it?” I asked.
“That’s it, sir!” the guy said.
“I understand, Ben,” I said.

Then he held out his clipboard and said, “Sign here.”

So I did that.

Beefore he left, he said, “We at the Amalgamated Paper Spoon Corporation want to thank you for your buzziness and full cooperation. We work hard to make Customer Compliance and Ease of Product Use a priority. Best of luck with your U.T.I. and have a nice day.”

Then he stuck out his Wing Band to show me one more time and left.

I guess I know what I’m gonna bee doing this afternoon. I hope I get that S.T.D. when this is all over.

Okay then. I hope everybody has a fascinatingly tepid day!

I’ll see ya’ later!