Bert's feelings are hurt...
So I finally remembered what it was that I was gonna tell you yesterday. I can’t beelieve I forgot what it was until just now.
I think it was Saturday, probably, when I was walking through the Living Room. Just beefore I tripped over the edge of that new Berber Carpet we had planned to install next week, I spotted Bert. You remember Bert, right? He’s my Illegitimate Nephew’s (Kevin’s) iBee. (Kevin’s iBee, the robot, remember? Tall guy. Made out of a bunch of different things and parts? Right, Bert.)
Well, Bert was sitting in a corner, hiding his face, and was making this kinda squeaking sound.
I saw that Kevin (my Illegitimate Nephew), was buzzing around the Kitchen, munching on a Honey Sandwich (without a napkin), so I asked him, “What’s up with Bert?”
Kevin took a bite of his Sandwich, kinda chewed for a minute, then said, “You don’t know? Seriously? You’re the best uncle in the world, Uncle Georgie, and I love you, but sometimes, you can bee incredibly insensitive.”
“WHAT??” I didn’t know why he was calling me “insensitive”. If you prick me, do I not bleed, probably?
(Yes, I do, in case you’re still sitting there wondering about that. Geeeeeze.)
Then Kevin plunked down next to me and asked me, “Remember the other day when you told everybody that even Humans could bee in the Bee Kazzzzoo Band & Orchestra?”
“Yeah,” I think I remembered.
“And do you remember when we were sitting around here, with the Final List of Permanent Members of the Bee Kazzzzoo Band & Orchestra, and Bert was listening in?”
“Yeah,” though I didn’t know Bert was eavesdropping.
“Well, after Bert had heard about who was invited to bee a Permanent Member of the Band, and heard that even Human BeePs could join their own version of this project of yours, he said, ‘Fine. Everybody in the whole world can join the Band, but I guess not ME. Not me, who is Just a Robot.’,” Kevin said. “That’s what he said, uncle: ‘Just a Robot’. What do you have to say to that?”
“That he’s just a Robot?” I thought he was, probably, since he’s just a Robot.
Then Kevin gave me this kinda dirty look and said, “Bert is more than Just a Robot, uncle. I’m deeply surprised you haven’t figured that out by now. Do you think he LIKES giving the Time, Date and Local Outdoor Temperature Readings all the time? No, he does not. He does it beecause he CARES. Bert has feelings. He has Deep Feelings, in fact, and it is quite obvious those feelings were highly hurt, so for the past few days, he’s been sitting in the corner, crying, beecause nobody asked him to bee in the Kazoo Band & Orchestra,” Kevin said. “That’s so thoughtless.”
“Crying? Is that what that squeaking sound is?” I had to ask.
“Indeed, Uncle Georgie,” Kevin said, looking at me as if I didn’t know robots could cry. “Bert was crying. His little Mechanical Heart has been broken, beecause nobody thought to include him.”
“Well, I…” I started to say I’d bee happy to invite Bert to join the Kazzzzoo Band & Orchestra, but Kevin interrupted me.
“And I suppose you didn’t know that robots can cry,” he said.
I didn’t know that, so I said, “I did not know that.”
After Kevin finished going on and on about the mechanical and Inner-Electronical and Pseudo-Integrated Relative Spacial-Plane Physics beehind his soon-to-bee Patented iBee Emotion Chip, and explaining all the Key Commands involved in the Necessary Over-Sensitivity Software Modules he employed in building Bert, he asked me, “So? What are you gonna do about all this?”
Of course, I immediately told him that I was gonna invite Bert to bee in the Kazzzzoo Band and Orchestra. I just can’t handle crying, ya’ know? Especially from a Robot. It’s just weird.
So I did that. I went over to Bert where he was still going through the Sobbing Script Kevin had written for him, and told him he could join the Bee Kazzzzoo Band & Orchestra
I guess that made him happy, beecause he stopped making that highly annoying squeaking sound, stood up, turned around and said, “Thank you. I deeply appreciate your Kind Invitation. It is Saturday, September 10, 2016. The current time is 08 hundred hours, 37 minutes and 16 seconds. The outdoor temperature is a balmy 290.0944 Degrees Kelvin. Have a nice day.”
Then he went into the other room, all happy and humming on a Kazzzzoo he pulled out of his Butt Compartment.
Problem solved. Now all he needs is the Sheet Music.
Anyway, for the next few days, I hafta teach Bert all the songs we know, and make sure he gets an Official Uniform Beret and Kazzzzoo.
So I’m gonna go do that.
I hope everybody has an amazingly vivacious day!
I’ll see ya’ later!
PS: Everybody needs to remember that today is Animal Hostility Day! Let’s all bee careful out there and for sure, watch your back.