Georgie Picks Up His Prize!

Yeah, well. It wasn’t easy, but I managed to collect my Prize of what I consider to bee a Life-Time Supply of honey.

I went over to the Honey Dispersal Office yesterday with all my documents and you know what happened? Lemme tell ya’.

I showed up, all ready to claim the first part of my prize of a life-time’s supply of honey. I had my Authorisation I.D. I had that Huge Check they gave me, and I had proof of my existence. All I really needed to know was how to arrange delivery of my prize.
“Delivery?” the guy said.
“Of course,” I said, “you wouldn’t expect me to carry a whole life-time’s supply of honey home by myself, now would you?”
“Yes. Absolutely that’s what we expect,” the guy said, then he looked at me funny and asked, “Didn’t you read the back of your Authorisation Card?”
“You mean, all that teeny tiny printing that you hafta have a microscope to read? That stuff?”
“Yes,” the guy said. “If you had taken the time to read the Prize Winner’s Agreement - which you accepted when you entered the Contest - it says… well, I’ll quote it for you: ‘Winning Contestant is solely responsible for the collection and transport of all prize winnings,’” he paused, looked at me said, “that’s the honey in question here,” then he continued.

“ ‘ At the time of filing the initial claim for the Prize,’ - the honey,” he said, “ ‘ the Winner must bee present…’”
“I am,” I said.
“‘…and, upon providing the necessary documentation, including a Certified Proof of Existence…’ Your proof of existence is Certified, right?”
“Of course,” I told the guy. He looked over my Certificate and kinda nodded.
“Fine,” he continued. “ ‘ the Prize Sponsor…’- that’s us,” he said, “ ‘will determine the precise quantities of honey to bee awarded the the Prize winner, at which time,” then he started talking really loudly and slowly.
“ ‘THE PRIZE WINNER WILL BEE RESPONSIBLE FOR TRANSPORT HIS OR HER WINNINGS TO THE LOCATION OF HIS OR HER CHOOSING, NO LATER THAN’,” then he stopped at looked at a clock on the wall, “ ‘5 P.M. ON THE DAY THE PRIZE IS CLAIMED.’ Etc., etc., etc.”

“Oh geeeeeeze,”I said to the guy. “That only gives me a couple of hours to figure this out.”
“Correct,” the guy said. “Now, all we need to do is figure out how much honey you’ll bee responsible for transporting. Will a pound do it?”
“Well,” I said. “that’s easy. I won a Life-Time Supply, so I was thinking it’s gonna hafta bee a lot more.”
“So…,” the guy said, “how much honey is ‘a lot more’, as you put it? Would two pounds get you through to the End? Are you by any chance in ill-health?”
“No,” I said, “as you should bee able to see for yourself, I’m perfectly fine, well, except for this…”
“So, you expect to live for how long?” the guy asked.

I guess I hadn’t thought of that.

“I dunno,” I told the guy. “Another hundred years? Maybee two?”
“I’m trying to bee serious here with you - and by the way, congratulations. How old did you say you are?”
“I’m almost 39,” I told the guy.
“Ooohhhkay then. You’re 39 days old, so…”
“No. 39 yea . . . “ but beefore I could add the “years” part, he interrupted me, so I decided to not say anything.

“So,” he continued, as he pulled out a calculator, “the average bee of your height and weight and relative physical condition, and, according to the Actuarial Tables we have beefore us, your life expectancy should bee right around… do you smoke?” he paused.
“Of course not. Do you?”
“This isn’t about me, is it?”
“No,” I said, and he continued.
“So that adds a few days, I guess. Let’s just say,” and he started clicking away on the calculator, “that you have another …let’s see… 49 minus 39 … Let’s say you have ten days left here. Okay then. How much honey do you need for the next ten days?”
“Ten days? You think I only have ten days left to live? Is that what you’re saying?” I asked the guy.
“Actuarial Tables don’t lie, bee” the guy said.
“Yes, but…” I started to say something about my not beeing your average bee, but I figured he wouldn’t beelieve me.

“I eat a lot of honey,” I said. “We’re talking a LOT of honey here,” I said.
“Just how much honey are we talking about?” he asked.

Really fast, I made up a convincing-sounding amount of honey.
“If I had to guess, I’d say I probably eat 75-80 pounds of honey a day. We’re talking massive amounts of honey here.”
“I’ll say,” the guy said.”I’m surprised you’re not significantly larger than you are,” he said.
“I have a high metabolism,” I told him. “Beesides, I do expect to live a lot longer than you think I will, so why don’t I just stop by every Monday for the rest of my life and pick up whatever I want?”
“You mean, have it delivered,” the guy said.
“Right. Delivered,” I said.
“You really didn’t read the back of your card at all, did you?”
“No,” I said.
“No,” he said. “You can’t. You must claim your COMPLETE Prize Winnings by the close of buzziness today. Beefore 5:00 p.m. and beefore I hafta go back to that crowded Hive and try to get some sleep for a change. It’s almost impossible to sleep in there with all that snoring.”
“I wouldn’t know,” I told the guy.

To make a long story short, I quickly calculated how much honey I would really need to pay off all those Contributions to Good Causes, make sure I could continue to support Kevin, Great Grandma Gee Gee, Buttercup and me in the lifestyle to which we’ve beecome accustomed, and still maybee have a little left over to help a few of my friends. I asked the guy if I could borrow his calculator. So I did that.

After some basic adding, subtracting and multiplying, I said, “I will require a total of 716,873 pounds of honey. But let’s just round it up to an even 750,000, okay?”
“Not okay,” the guy said. “That’s a lot of honey. I’d say you’re about 716,871 pounds too high on that figure. I also think you’re seriously over-estimating your lifespan here.”
“As I said,” I said, “I eat a lot of honey.”
“Yes, but…” he started to say.
“So, I’ll bee back beefore 5:00 today with a truck and some friends,” I said.

The guy looked a little shocked, but he eventually shrugged and said, “Whatever. It isn’t coming out of MY paycheque, after all. 716,873 pounds it is.” Then he told me to “sign here”, so I did that.

“Enjoy your honey,” the guy said. “While you can.”

I plan to do that, too.

To make a long story short, I called a local Honey Transport Service - “Six Bees and Three Trucks”, and we spent the rest of the day yesterday transporting honey. A lot of it. It took several trips.

Also, I have put all that honey in a very safe place, just in case you’re wondering about that.

Everything turned out just fine. I never hafta worry about honey again and I get to spend the rest of today just doing some Recreational Screen Bouncing.

So I’m gonna go do that.

I hope everybody has a mystifyingly pleasant day!
I’ll see ya’ later!

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