Evidently, nothing's easy when it comes to these Paper Spoons...
28/03/16 14:30
Monday, March 28, 2016
It’s finally Monday! Could you possibly feel more joyous?
I wouldn’t think so.
Well, I’m gonna bee getting my first shipment of the first 100 cases of Paper Spoons from the Amalgamated Paper Spoon Company tomorrow. Isn’t that exciting?
I thought I was ready to receive my first shipment, until a Facility Inspector from the Amalgamated Paper Spoon Company showed up earlier this morning. He was here to Certify that the outdoor, Climate-Controlled, Water-Resistant BioToxic Storage Unit we built over the weekend was within Code, and to go over a few things with me beefore they delivered all those Paper Spoons.
When I answered the door, a drone wearing an wing band was standing there, holding a clipboard and a very large Manual of some sort.
“Good morning, sir,” he said. “Is this the Bee residence?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said.
“And you are Mr. Georgie A. Bee, One Boot Box Lane, Manitou Springs, Colorado?” he asked.
“Obviously,” I said.
“Well that’s fine. I am Ben Beereen. I am with the Amalgamated Paper Spoon Company, a Subsidiary of Snark Enterprises. I will bee your Pre-Delivery Inspector today for your Paper Spoon Storage Facility. I will also bee sharing some important information you will need prior to your receiving shipment of your first, monthly order of our fine product, and to deliver the Mandatory Product Informational Manual which you will need to memorise prior to your receipt of that delivery.”
“Fine,” I said.
“First, let me give you this,” the guy said as he stuck a tremendously huge Manual into my wings.
I almost couldn’t lift it, it was so tremendously huge.
Then he excused himself and, carrying his clipboard, walked over to the Storage Facility Kevin helped me build.
For about an hour and a half, I stood there watching from a distance as he checked off a long list of things on his clipboard. Then he came back.
“It’s all looking very good, sir. You’ve done a nice job.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“But,” he added, “I would recommend that you relocate your Storage Facility another 100 yards further away from your place of residence here, as well as away from any schools or playgrounds. It’s not required, but it is strongly recommended. We at Amalgamated Paper Spoon make it Job One to assure our customer’s -and the Public’s - safety.”
“That’s nice of you,” I said.
He just kind of nodded, then he pointed at that thick Manual he had given me. Let me tell you: it was amazingly thick. I don’t think I’ve ever been such a thick Manual. It was the thickest manual of all time. I don’t think anybody’s else’s Manuals are thicker than this Manual is.
“That,” he said, “is your Comprehensive Customer Indoctrination Manual - or C.C.I.M, for short. Do not lose it. This Manual has been developed over a period of a tremendous number of days by the smartest bees on the planet. I will say that we have the smartest bees at Amalgamated - there aren’t any bees smarter than our bees - and this Manual it is the best Manual of its kind. There is no Manual better than this Manual, which contains all the best information about the probably safe and proper use of our fine product. It is important that you read and memorise this tremendous Manual prior to the delivery of your first, monthly Paper Spoon delivery which is scheduled for …,” then he looked at his clipboard again, “precisely 3:06 tomorrow afternoon, Tuesday, March 28th. You will bee home to receive the shipment, will you not?”
“Probably,” I said.
“Sir, you must bee present when your order is delivered.,” he said.
“Fine,” I said.
“Excellent. I will now go over a few last-minute pre-delivery details regarding your order,” he said.
“Okay,” I said.
Then he continued.
“Your C.C.I.M. which you now hold in your wings,” he said, “contains all the best information you will need to prepare for the pre-delivery User Test and Interrogation - or U.T.I., for short - which will bee given to you prior to your first product delivery. You will bee receiving your U.T.I. from one of our Safety and Security Agents - or the S.S., for short. Depending upon the results of your U.T.I., you will then bee issued your final Shipping Transfer Document - or S.T.D., for short - at which time we will gleefully deliver your first shipment. It is required that you must obtain an S.T.D. prior to delivery.”
I was confused. “I hafta have an S.T.D. beefore I’ll get my Paper Spoons?” I had to ask.
“Precisely, sir.”
Then he looked at his clipboard again.
“It appears,” he said, “that you will bee given your U.T.I by the S.S. promptly at 5:00 a.m. tomorrow morning. It is important that you show up at least one hour early for your appointment and that you drink plenty of fluids prior to your appointment time to help speed the U.T.I. along. However, we’ve learned that U.T.I.s can, in some instances, last a long time, so I would advise you to wear comfortable shoes.”
“Let me see if I have this right,” I said. “First, I’m gonna hafta memorise this Manual, the C.C.I.M, then I hafta get a U.T.I. from the S.S. in order to get an S.T.D.?”
“I’m glad you understand, sir.”
I didn’t, but I got the feeling he didn’t want me asking a bunch of questions. So I just asked, “Is that all?”
“Not quite, sir,” he said.
“Upon your successfully obtaining an S.T.D., you will bee issued a tremendously attractive and highly functional Biohazard Detection Wing Band, which you must wear at all times whenever you come within 2 miles of our fine product.”
“A Wing Band?” I asked.
“Yes. I’m wearing one right now,” and he stuck out his wing to show me.
“Your Wing Band will bee taking continual readings relating to your exposure to any biotoxins or possible residual radiation levels, etc., you may suffer while enjoying our fine product. These levels will bee continually monitored on your Wing Band for your safety and for legal considerations which are far too numerous to list for you at this time.”
“Legal considerations?” I asked.
“It’s all in the Manual, sir, along with all the necessary Release Forms you’ll need to sign.”
“Okay,” I said, paging through the tremendously large Manual he’d given me.
“It must bee made clear that the Wing Band is an integral component of your ability to enjoy our fine product in relative safety, probably,” he said. “Periodically, you will bee visited by a member of our Compliance Operations Personnel - or C.O.P., for short - who will check your levels. I should probably mention that, if you foolishly fail to comply with the C.O.P. by refusing to display your Wing Band as required, you will bee once again escorted to the S.S. for further examination and given another U.T.I.,”
“So is that all?” I asked, hoping he would say ‘yes’.
“Not quite. After you’ve been examined by the S.S. and after you have received a Positive Result from your U.T.I., and been given your S.T.D., you will bee given a complementary coupon, valid for one, calendar year, which entitles you to enjoy the services of our fine company’s Educational Review services - or E.R. - at no additional charge.”
I gotta say that I feel relieved that I can go to the E.R. if run into trouble with all this. But geeeeeeze…I would never thought that just buying a bunch of Paper Spoons would bee such a hassle, ya’ know?
“So that’s it?” I asked.
“That’s it, sir!” the guy said.
“I understand, Ben,” I said.
Then he held out his clipboard and said, “Sign here.”
So I did that.
Beefore he left, he said, “We at the Amalgamated Paper Spoon Corporation want to thank you for your buzziness and full cooperation. We work hard to make Customer Compliance and Ease of Product Use a priority. Best of luck with your U.T.I. and have a nice day.”
Then he stuck out his Wing Band to show me one more time and left.
I guess I know what I’m gonna bee doing this afternoon. I hope I get that S.T.D. when this is all over.
Okay then. I hope everybody has a fascinatingly tepid day!
I’ll see ya’ later!
It’s finally Monday! Could you possibly feel more joyous?
I wouldn’t think so.
Well, I’m gonna bee getting my first shipment of the first 100 cases of Paper Spoons from the Amalgamated Paper Spoon Company tomorrow. Isn’t that exciting?
I thought I was ready to receive my first shipment, until a Facility Inspector from the Amalgamated Paper Spoon Company showed up earlier this morning. He was here to Certify that the outdoor, Climate-Controlled, Water-Resistant BioToxic Storage Unit we built over the weekend was within Code, and to go over a few things with me beefore they delivered all those Paper Spoons.
When I answered the door, a drone wearing an wing band was standing there, holding a clipboard and a very large Manual of some sort.
“Good morning, sir,” he said. “Is this the Bee residence?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said.
“And you are Mr. Georgie A. Bee, One Boot Box Lane, Manitou Springs, Colorado?” he asked.
“Obviously,” I said.
“Well that’s fine. I am Ben Beereen. I am with the Amalgamated Paper Spoon Company, a Subsidiary of Snark Enterprises. I will bee your Pre-Delivery Inspector today for your Paper Spoon Storage Facility. I will also bee sharing some important information you will need prior to your receiving shipment of your first, monthly order of our fine product, and to deliver the Mandatory Product Informational Manual which you will need to memorise prior to your receipt of that delivery.”
“Fine,” I said.
“First, let me give you this,” the guy said as he stuck a tremendously huge Manual into my wings.
I almost couldn’t lift it, it was so tremendously huge.
Then he excused himself and, carrying his clipboard, walked over to the Storage Facility Kevin helped me build.
For about an hour and a half, I stood there watching from a distance as he checked off a long list of things on his clipboard. Then he came back.
“It’s all looking very good, sir. You’ve done a nice job.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“But,” he added, “I would recommend that you relocate your Storage Facility another 100 yards further away from your place of residence here, as well as away from any schools or playgrounds. It’s not required, but it is strongly recommended. We at Amalgamated Paper Spoon make it Job One to assure our customer’s -and the Public’s - safety.”
“That’s nice of you,” I said.
He just kind of nodded, then he pointed at that thick Manual he had given me. Let me tell you: it was amazingly thick. I don’t think I’ve ever been such a thick Manual. It was the thickest manual of all time. I don’t think anybody’s else’s Manuals are thicker than this Manual is.
“That,” he said, “is your Comprehensive Customer Indoctrination Manual - or C.C.I.M, for short. Do not lose it. This Manual has been developed over a period of a tremendous number of days by the smartest bees on the planet. I will say that we have the smartest bees at Amalgamated - there aren’t any bees smarter than our bees - and this Manual it is the best Manual of its kind. There is no Manual better than this Manual, which contains all the best information about the probably safe and proper use of our fine product. It is important that you read and memorise this tremendous Manual prior to the delivery of your first, monthly Paper Spoon delivery which is scheduled for …,” then he looked at his clipboard again, “precisely 3:06 tomorrow afternoon, Tuesday, March 28th. You will bee home to receive the shipment, will you not?”
“Probably,” I said.
“Sir, you must bee present when your order is delivered.,” he said.
“Fine,” I said.
“Excellent. I will now go over a few last-minute pre-delivery details regarding your order,” he said.
“Okay,” I said.
Then he continued.
“Your C.C.I.M. which you now hold in your wings,” he said, “contains all the best information you will need to prepare for the pre-delivery User Test and Interrogation - or U.T.I., for short - which will bee given to you prior to your first product delivery. You will bee receiving your U.T.I. from one of our Safety and Security Agents - or the S.S., for short. Depending upon the results of your U.T.I., you will then bee issued your final Shipping Transfer Document - or S.T.D., for short - at which time we will gleefully deliver your first shipment. It is required that you must obtain an S.T.D. prior to delivery.”
I was confused. “I hafta have an S.T.D. beefore I’ll get my Paper Spoons?” I had to ask.
“Precisely, sir.”
Then he looked at his clipboard again.
“It appears,” he said, “that you will bee given your U.T.I by the S.S. promptly at 5:00 a.m. tomorrow morning. It is important that you show up at least one hour early for your appointment and that you drink plenty of fluids prior to your appointment time to help speed the U.T.I. along. However, we’ve learned that U.T.I.s can, in some instances, last a long time, so I would advise you to wear comfortable shoes.”
“Let me see if I have this right,” I said. “First, I’m gonna hafta memorise this Manual, the C.C.I.M, then I hafta get a U.T.I. from the S.S. in order to get an S.T.D.?”
“I’m glad you understand, sir.”
I didn’t, but I got the feeling he didn’t want me asking a bunch of questions. So I just asked, “Is that all?”
“Not quite, sir,” he said.
“Upon your successfully obtaining an S.T.D., you will bee issued a tremendously attractive and highly functional Biohazard Detection Wing Band, which you must wear at all times whenever you come within 2 miles of our fine product.”
“A Wing Band?” I asked.
“Yes. I’m wearing one right now,” and he stuck out his wing to show me.
“Your Wing Band will bee taking continual readings relating to your exposure to any biotoxins or possible residual radiation levels, etc., you may suffer while enjoying our fine product. These levels will bee continually monitored on your Wing Band for your safety and for legal considerations which are far too numerous to list for you at this time.”
“Legal considerations?” I asked.
“It’s all in the Manual, sir, along with all the necessary Release Forms you’ll need to sign.”
“Okay,” I said, paging through the tremendously large Manual he’d given me.
“It must bee made clear that the Wing Band is an integral component of your ability to enjoy our fine product in relative safety, probably,” he said. “Periodically, you will bee visited by a member of our Compliance Operations Personnel - or C.O.P., for short - who will check your levels. I should probably mention that, if you foolishly fail to comply with the C.O.P. by refusing to display your Wing Band as required, you will bee once again escorted to the S.S. for further examination and given another U.T.I.,”
“So is that all?” I asked, hoping he would say ‘yes’.
“Not quite. After you’ve been examined by the S.S. and after you have received a Positive Result from your U.T.I., and been given your S.T.D., you will bee given a complementary coupon, valid for one, calendar year, which entitles you to enjoy the services of our fine company’s Educational Review services - or E.R. - at no additional charge.”
I gotta say that I feel relieved that I can go to the E.R. if run into trouble with all this. But geeeeeeze…I would never thought that just buying a bunch of Paper Spoons would bee such a hassle, ya’ know?
“So that’s it?” I asked.
“That’s it, sir!” the guy said.
“I understand, Ben,” I said.
Then he held out his clipboard and said, “Sign here.”
So I did that.
Beefore he left, he said, “We at the Amalgamated Paper Spoon Corporation want to thank you for your buzziness and full cooperation. We work hard to make Customer Compliance and Ease of Product Use a priority. Best of luck with your U.T.I. and have a nice day.”
Then he stuck out his Wing Band to show me one more time and left.
I guess I know what I’m gonna bee doing this afternoon. I hope I get that S.T.D. when this is all over.
Okay then. I hope everybody has a fascinatingly tepid day!
I’ll see ya’ later!